Sunday, April 30, 2006
i want to fall from the stars, straight into your arms
someone asked if i still think of my first love. i dont think i do actually. it sounds nonchalant and full of indifference, but that's the way it is i guess. it was indeed as silly as it sounds. i cant deny how immature it was and how i was simply too flushed with the idea of love to think about what it really means. anyway, it was a lesson i had to learn
we had one of those nonsense-filled, private parties at the LT again.
vic tried to sing me a LOVE SONG!
it goes, this song is dedicated to jiemin.
vic (*sings in chinese) : i love you
i really love you.
i absolutely love you.
isnt she such a darling. seeing that she's so much more inclined in english, those 3 lines were more than enough. (:
stayed home today to a tantalizing homemade gourmet feast. we had handmade noodles for breakfast, afterwhich, we made white choc cheesecake, cookies with rasberry jam, choc chip banana muffins and banana butter cake. i couldnt help but pop a little of each into my salivating mouth. simply yummy. (:
sometimes it's good to stay home.
i quarelled with him that day and our movie date was cancelled. we both dont see ourselves at fault and i guess that's always the problem. nobody wants to give in.
i didnt expect him to sms me when he could since i thought they werent supposed to use their phones while defending the nation. haa.
des & vic : yes! sch sucks. we sounds like angsty kids but it does! arghhh. HATE SCHOOL! and well, thanks for your perverted minds to keep me alive in that shithole.
glenn : havent seen u in such a long time! missed you at the last outing.
alicia : thanks dear. and i need more shopping with you darling.
bel : i know u're nearby. but where?! haa. gotta crash there someday k. (:
we had one of those nonsense-filled, private parties at the LT again.
vic tried to sing me a LOVE SONG!
it goes, this song is dedicated to jiemin.
vic (*sings in chinese) : i love you
i really love you.
i absolutely love you.
isnt she such a darling. seeing that she's so much more inclined in english, those 3 lines were more than enough. (:
stayed home today to a tantalizing homemade gourmet feast. we had handmade noodles for breakfast, afterwhich, we made white choc cheesecake, cookies with rasberry jam, choc chip banana muffins and banana butter cake. i couldnt help but pop a little of each into my salivating mouth. simply yummy. (:
sometimes it's good to stay home.
i quarelled with him that day and our movie date was cancelled. we both dont see ourselves at fault and i guess that's always the problem. nobody wants to give in.
i didnt expect him to sms me when he could since i thought they werent supposed to use their phones while defending the nation. haa.
des & vic : yes! sch sucks. we sounds like angsty kids but it does! arghhh. HATE SCHOOL! and well, thanks for your perverted minds to keep me alive in that shithole.
glenn : havent seen u in such a long time! missed you at the last outing.
alicia : thanks dear. and i need more shopping with you darling.
bel : i know u're nearby. but where?! haa. gotta crash there someday k. (:
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Thursday, April 27, 2006
love nothing
i swear the rainbow this morning was a facade of hope.
i was glad it rained although we almost got stranded at the most remotely remote potong pasir mrt. but that would have prevented the happening of so much bullshit. i spotted the rainbow in the sky, as though it was a backdrop to the school, hinting of some hope. (what an irony). i saw it as a sign, but it turned out to be a completely foolish idea.
you cant imagine how much crap we're getting. and the worst of all, we're paying them to get all the bullshit.
i'm tired. not only that, i feel crappy, peevish and annoyed with every single thing that has happened. i lied to Zh when i said, "nah, i'm just tired." maybe tiredness is just the prologue to everything else.
this was in my head when i was running :
honestly, i wldnt be going to school if not for vic, des and mich.
and i should be studying for econs now. if only i know where to start.
on the bright side,
i love my class. especially daiwei and jeremy for their company today and the rest for all their support. (:
jer asked if i wld marry him. how totally adorable. (:
i was glad it rained although we almost got stranded at the most remotely remote potong pasir mrt. but that would have prevented the happening of so much bullshit. i spotted the rainbow in the sky, as though it was a backdrop to the school, hinting of some hope. (what an irony). i saw it as a sign, but it turned out to be a completely foolish idea.
you cant imagine how much crap we're getting. and the worst of all, we're paying them to get all the bullshit.
i'm tired. not only that, i feel crappy, peevish and annoyed with every single thing that has happened. i lied to Zh when i said, "nah, i'm just tired." maybe tiredness is just the prologue to everything else.
this was in my head when i was running :
"everything is as its always been, this never happened,
don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did.
just once something dies, you can't make it live.
i had thought they were some oldie band when i first heard vic talk about them.
honestly, i wldnt be going to school if not for vic, des and mich.
and i should be studying for econs now. if only i know where to start.
on the bright side,
i love my class. especially daiwei and jeremy for their company today and the rest for all their support. (:
jer asked if i wld marry him. how totally adorable. (:
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Tuesday, April 25, 2006
carousal and carousels
i went hysterical momentarily yesterday. i swore and screamed at everything, then i broke down and cried. right there, at potong pasir mrt.
i must have seemed extremely insane in the eyes of my fellow saints.
things havent been good.
according to Zh, i slashed out at him. well, maybe i did.
mich hugged me and Dm tried to cheer me up. and i did feel better, after caramel coffee at starbucks, although i snapped at the guy who served me cause he gave me whipped cream when i had specifically asked for none.
he called when i was attempting econs essay outlines and i unloaded on him instead, ignoring the debate on trade versus protectionism. he thought not seeing me for 2 days is a very long time. and well, i chose protectionism.
we played "shoot, shag & marry" countless times. it's utterly amusing. most times, we chose the same options for each category. we even picked females.
we joked about the alliteration in "Bomb in a Bible" and "Fast Frozen Food" on the way back to school, in the rain. it's was questionable why we braved the rain to go back to that place for that man but maybe we just wanted to prove that we were making an effort.
carousal & carousel, both's intoxicating, just differently. one with alcohol and the other with speed.
i must have seemed extremely insane in the eyes of my fellow saints.
things havent been good.
according to Zh, i slashed out at him. well, maybe i did.
mich hugged me and Dm tried to cheer me up. and i did feel better, after caramel coffee at starbucks, although i snapped at the guy who served me cause he gave me whipped cream when i had specifically asked for none.
he called when i was attempting econs essay outlines and i unloaded on him instead, ignoring the debate on trade versus protectionism. he thought not seeing me for 2 days is a very long time. and well, i chose protectionism.
we played "shoot, shag & marry" countless times. it's utterly amusing. most times, we chose the same options for each category. we even picked females.
we joked about the alliteration in "Bomb in a Bible" and "Fast Frozen Food" on the way back to school, in the rain. it's was questionable why we braved the rain to go back to that place for that man but maybe we just wanted to prove that we were making an effort.
carousal & carousel, both's intoxicating, just differently. one with alcohol and the other with speed.
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Monday, April 24, 2006
romantic atheism
we never believe that this miracle can happen to us twice.
i have 2 essays to finish and a test to study for. but, Whatever.
why is it that men can practise polygamy, be in multiple affairs but they cant accept women doing the same? why is it that you can be thinking of someone else when you claim to be in love? that's the same idea right?
it was 3months of mistakes. i did the stupidest things i never thought i would do. it's too late to take them back but i'm sure it wont happen again.
indeed, you feel differently with different people, that's why you feel this way for the first time. cause it was a completely different emotion previously and this obviously feels better than the last. it's something you've longed for for ever since i've known you and maybe that's why it feels different.
i was deluded, you're deluded, everyone's deluded.
went for a morning jog and had a hearty breakfast.
wed - met xuan to get yan's present. wanted to get some rest at home cause of that headache but sat in the comfort of coffee bean instead, sipping vanilla coffee with delightful sprinkles of chocolate, as though preparing myself for some sort of unfamiliar discomfort.
it was great catching up with xuan after SO LONG! the long bus rides back home from town when we would just chat about everything and anything. that silly girl stuffed me with food again and frivolous shopping as we bought matching undies and she got me famous amos cookies.
thurs - got home for a quick bath and rushed off to collect some stuff before heading for sentosa. the 3 of us plus xuan's bf had a great time just chatting and laughing at the top of our voices off sunset bay. we amused anita with stories of how we terrorized teachers, talked abt sagging (papaya) boobs, hid in the toilet during chinese lessons sitting on the sink and watering plants, how i was always at the mercy of balls during PE and loads more. i do miss secondary school.
fri - skipped sch and was supposed to meet the girls in town but well.. anyw, met Zr.
it was a busy week, with nights ending late, with no intoxication and no more lies.
i realised my Clinique mascara is not completely waterproof as i saw a panda staring back at me when i looked into the mirror. time for more shopping after this (another) hectic week i guess. with project after project, things which have nothing to do with economics, literature, history or general paper. just more time spent not studying, scouting all over for people and items.
i'm waiting for that someone to tell me that it will happen again, that someone who will hold me in his arms when my eyes are swelled up and i look like a puffer fish and tell me that it's not the end.
that's why we cling on so desperately, afraid to be hurt again.
i have 2 essays to finish and a test to study for. but, Whatever.
why is it that men can practise polygamy, be in multiple affairs but they cant accept women doing the same? why is it that you can be thinking of someone else when you claim to be in love? that's the same idea right?
it was 3months of mistakes. i did the stupidest things i never thought i would do. it's too late to take them back but i'm sure it wont happen again.
indeed, you feel differently with different people, that's why you feel this way for the first time. cause it was a completely different emotion previously and this obviously feels better than the last. it's something you've longed for for ever since i've known you and maybe that's why it feels different.
i was deluded, you're deluded, everyone's deluded.
went for a morning jog and had a hearty breakfast.
wed - met xuan to get yan's present. wanted to get some rest at home cause of that headache but sat in the comfort of coffee bean instead, sipping vanilla coffee with delightful sprinkles of chocolate, as though preparing myself for some sort of unfamiliar discomfort.
it was great catching up with xuan after SO LONG! the long bus rides back home from town when we would just chat about everything and anything. that silly girl stuffed me with food again and frivolous shopping as we bought matching undies and she got me famous amos cookies.
thurs - got home for a quick bath and rushed off to collect some stuff before heading for sentosa. the 3 of us plus xuan's bf had a great time just chatting and laughing at the top of our voices off sunset bay. we amused anita with stories of how we terrorized teachers, talked abt sagging (papaya) boobs, hid in the toilet during chinese lessons sitting on the sink and watering plants, how i was always at the mercy of balls during PE and loads more. i do miss secondary school.
fri - skipped sch and was supposed to meet the girls in town but well.. anyw, met Zr.
it was a busy week, with nights ending late, with no intoxication and no more lies.
i realised my Clinique mascara is not completely waterproof as i saw a panda staring back at me when i looked into the mirror. time for more shopping after this (another) hectic week i guess. with project after project, things which have nothing to do with economics, literature, history or general paper. just more time spent not studying, scouting all over for people and items.
i'm waiting for that someone to tell me that it will happen again, that someone who will hold me in his arms when my eyes are swelled up and i look like a puffer fish and tell me that it's not the end.
that's why we cling on so desperately, afraid to be hurt again.
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Friday, April 21, 2006
love is the only proof that the ugly cld be beautiful
the mascara ran as the tears fell
you deserve better,
so much better than a girl who breaks your heart incessantly.
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings
From where I'm sitting, rain
Falling against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
I just thought I'd let you know goodbye
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"
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Monday, April 17, 2006
he brought me a pink towel. i went jogging ytd with leong. (for the first time. yes, me the lazy bum)
and i fell too. it was too dark to see that i was bleeding so i endured and ran to bukit merah interchange. we started at o730 and ended at 10plus. actually the running only took half an hour. we spent the other half at MACs cleaning my knee, one hour to walk back and one hour at the playground just catching up.
just came back from a tedious trip to the children's home at seragoon. it's only monday but i'm tired already, which is not a good sign.
and i fell too. it was too dark to see that i was bleeding so i endured and ran to bukit merah interchange. we started at o730 and ended at 10plus. actually the running only took half an hour. we spent the other half at MACs cleaning my knee, one hour to walk back and one hour at the playground just catching up.
just came back from a tedious trip to the children's home at seragoon. it's only monday but i'm tired already, which is not a good sign.
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Sunday, April 16, 2006
a beer can in one hand
hey darling desiree.
i hope u're feeling better, although i know that's not easy.
--------------
i guess both of us are guilty, of losing them due to our faults. and i guess it's too late to make amendments. we both thought they were the ones for us and i suppose that's the reason why we overreacted. we didnt try to make them stay when they wanted to leave. but we wanted them to come back when they did. we wanted to try to make things right. and although it's hard for us to get on with our lives but i believe we can.
caught pay it forward again. started sobbing uncontrollably. how would we know when to say goodbye and how do we do it when the time comes? anyway, i was so enchanted with Haley Joel Osment's blue eyes and his boyish looks although he's in fact the same age as me. haha.
-
love. to all those who have to say goodbye.
i hope u're feeling better, although i know that's not easy.
--------------
i guess both of us are guilty, of losing them due to our faults. and i guess it's too late to make amendments. we both thought they were the ones for us and i suppose that's the reason why we overreacted. we didnt try to make them stay when they wanted to leave. but we wanted them to come back when they did. we wanted to try to make things right. and although it's hard for us to get on with our lives but i believe we can.
caught pay it forward again. started sobbing uncontrollably. how would we know when to say goodbye and how do we do it when the time comes? anyway, i was so enchanted with Haley Joel Osment's blue eyes and his boyish looks although he's in fact the same age as me. haha.
-
love. to all those who have to say goodbye.
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Saturday, April 15, 2006
all the pale grey stars shine through you..
i was stranded again last night. i missed the last train and then the last bus too. thought i was lucky to be able to catch 143. but never did i think the service ends 7 stops after the bus interchange. so it left me standing alone at some place i've never been to. all the bus stop and signs said was "ayer rajah". my wallet was empty, so i cldnt cab. i almost felt like walking home.
it's been such a hectic week. i'm trying to prioritize and do everything, if only he would stay out of my mind. we're the multi-tasking generation but still, i do not want to think about what's not going to get me anywhere.
i'm dying to send you a rose.
how can we stop living in the past when it haunts us all the time? i wish there were some things i did and some things i didnt do. maybe then it wont remind me all the time now and less tears would have been shed.
all the pale grey stars shine through you..
it's been such a hectic week. i'm trying to prioritize and do everything, if only he would stay out of my mind. we're the multi-tasking generation but still, i do not want to think about what's not going to get me anywhere.
i'm dying to send you a rose.
how can we stop living in the past when it haunts us all the time? i wish there were some things i did and some things i didnt do. maybe then it wont remind me all the time now and less tears would have been shed.
all the pale grey stars shine through you..
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Friday, April 14, 2006
The strangest twist upon your lips
it's fucked. PW's fucking pissing me off although it's over. the results were out ytd.
spent the night at joe's. we fell asleep on the couch in the early morning.
it was nice. forgetting everything, school, results and all the fucked up issues.
just got home for mum's nasi lemak.
be off for a nap before leaving for char's.
alicia : i love u so so much too! so sorry i cant make it earlier today.
vic : i love you too. no matter what your name may be. (:
bel : yup. love the view. u guys cld come over one day! love. (:
lester : i'm angry!
jl : i miss u. meet up soon k. study or sth. (:
spent the night at joe's. we fell asleep on the couch in the early morning.
it was nice. forgetting everything, school, results and all the fucked up issues.
just got home for mum's nasi lemak.
be off for a nap before leaving for char's.
alicia : i love u so so much too! so sorry i cant make it earlier today.
vic : i love you too. no matter what your name may be. (:
bel : yup. love the view. u guys cld come over one day! love. (:
lester : i'm angry!
jl : i miss u. meet up soon k. study or sth. (:
Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.
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Wednesday, April 12, 2006
u left me on the sunny road
is there really a void in our lives that we fill up with shopping and good food? i really dont know. but apparently, our actions have proven that.
we have icecream when we're sad. we go shopping when we want to get away from everything else. we make lists to occupy ourselves, to have something to look forward to.
we made lists of russian names, porn star names, cheena english names etc etc and even communist names for all 4 of us. it was hilarious. we made a list of places we want to go, restaurants we wish to visit and many more. it made us happy and that is all that matters.
we ran out of school today. out the gate when the guard left and across the bridge. we screamed " FREE! FREE! FREE!" when we got out.
talked to D. the last time we had a proper conversation was last year and well, we were still feeling the effects of the past. and he messaged me on new year's day to apologize but i didnt know how to respond, so i didnt.
D : just want to know what have u been doing. its been a very long time since we last spoke
me : well, i dont know where to start
D : just start from anywhere u want.i will listen
we talked abt sch, him going for NS.
D : wld he come back?
D : did u try to stop him from leaving?
D : try to make him come back when he left?
he apologised again for what happened in the past. and i told him to not talk abt it. it doesnt hurt anymore and i'm glad it's over. i was too easily taken in and it was a lesson that i'll never forget. it cost me too much.
we have icecream when we're sad. we go shopping when we want to get away from everything else. we make lists to occupy ourselves, to have something to look forward to.
we made lists of russian names, porn star names, cheena english names etc etc and even communist names for all 4 of us. it was hilarious. we made a list of places we want to go, restaurants we wish to visit and many more. it made us happy and that is all that matters.
we ran out of school today. out the gate when the guard left and across the bridge. we screamed " FREE! FREE! FREE!" when we got out.
talked to D. the last time we had a proper conversation was last year and well, we were still feeling the effects of the past. and he messaged me on new year's day to apologize but i didnt know how to respond, so i didnt.
D : just want to know what have u been doing. its been a very long time since we last spoke
me : well, i dont know where to start
D : just start from anywhere u want.i will listen
we talked abt sch, him going for NS.
D : wld he come back?
D : did u try to stop him from leaving?
D : try to make him come back when he left?
he apologised again for what happened in the past. and i told him to not talk abt it. it doesnt hurt anymore and i'm glad it's over. i was too easily taken in and it was a lesson that i'll never forget. it cost me too much.
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Sunday, April 09, 2006
the view from home. 
the sunset over the sea.
sentosa, across the horizon
the view from my room
i realise there's a multi storey carpark from all 3 sides.
the sunset over the sea.
sentosa, across the horizon
the view from my room
i realise there's a multi storey carpark from all 3 sides.
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Saturday, April 08, 2006
when i sing i lose myself
we made another escape from the moronic school that has a 1245 rule and every gate locked. that was my second time this year and this time, it hurt more than the first. i would have skipped school if not for history tutorial and cca.
i was tired and grouchy with aching arms and legs after 2days of PE (i'm really inept when it comes to exercise) and lots of walking. and i had POCKY for lunch which made me really hungry after moving some boxes and running around serving those pple. i was completely drained out at the end of the day. went home and slept at 7 without dinner all the way til morning when i had to get up at 7 for the launch at YMCA.
there was a nagging thought at the back of my head that i'll get a lot of nasty stares in school on monday. but still, i snapped at them. i'm nasty to rude people. we're providing a service here so those people out there better jolly well be more careful with what they say. amidst all the bad attitude we get from these screwed up members of the SA community, there are a few nice ones.. (thank god)
this person even went, "can i give you a kiss?"
i was like "WHAT?!"
very amazing what we can get from saints.
had a very inspirational morning at YMCA. i swear i would be more determined now to do well in everything i set out to do. the speaker jeffrey goh was surprisingly inspirational and encouraging while being completely humorous. and there was eunice olsen and a whole lot of famous people whom i'm supposed to know but dont.
i hate flirtatious men. especially those who flirt with ugly girls.
i was tired and grouchy with aching arms and legs after 2days of PE (i'm really inept when it comes to exercise) and lots of walking. and i had POCKY for lunch which made me really hungry after moving some boxes and running around serving those pple. i was completely drained out at the end of the day. went home and slept at 7 without dinner all the way til morning when i had to get up at 7 for the launch at YMCA.
there was a nagging thought at the back of my head that i'll get a lot of nasty stares in school on monday. but still, i snapped at them. i'm nasty to rude people. we're providing a service here so those people out there better jolly well be more careful with what they say. amidst all the bad attitude we get from these screwed up members of the SA community, there are a few nice ones.. (thank god)
this person even went, "can i give you a kiss?"
i was like "WHAT?!"
very amazing what we can get from saints.
had a very inspirational morning at YMCA. i swear i would be more determined now to do well in everything i set out to do. the speaker jeffrey goh was surprisingly inspirational and encouraging while being completely humorous. and there was eunice olsen and a whole lot of famous people whom i'm supposed to know but dont.
i hate flirtatious men. especially those who flirt with ugly girls.
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Thursday, April 06, 2006
technically, i failed all my subjects except for GP, which i passed marginally.
and my PE tcher, mr khoo said i'm FAT.
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Wednesday, April 05, 2006
It don't matter to the sun
If you go or if you stay
No, the sun is gonna rise, gonna rise
Shine down on another day
There will be tomorrow
Even if you choose to leave
Cause it don't matter to the sun
It matters to me
It ain't gonna stop the world
If you walk out that door
This old world just keeps spinning round, spinning round
Like it did the day before
Cause to them it makes no difference
It just keeps on keeping time
Cuz it ain't gonna stop the world no
But it'll be the end of mine
So what can I say?
What can I do?
I'm still in love.
Why aren't you?
Cause it don't matter to the moon
If you're not in my life
No the moon will just keep hanging round, hanging round
Like its just another night
Who find another place to shine
On some other lovers dreams
Cause it don't matter to the moon no, no
But it matters to megot caught in the rain again on my way back from ikea, where i had a fun, lonesome photography session. i took pictures of table tops and lovely images and got told off by a staff.
and i stood at the traffic light while waiting to cross the road and stared at this really dashing dark- silverish mazda rx8 which stoppped next to me. now i know why derrick is so in love with this beauty. it sure is hot.
i nearly walked into a man with his cigarette at my face. he was walking out from the GP below my flat. now, everyday, i'm walking past weird men squatting outside the clinic waiting for their pills to control their drug addictions. that's what my mum got to know from the shop owner next door to the clinic. how wonderful. and when i walked past just now, i caught a glimpse of a stout man opening a tin of mints (the exact same one i gave him months ago) and in it were homemade cigarettes. how resourceful and innovative (and desperate).
you rip yourself apart, you sew yourself up. there's no one else who will or can do it for you.
i told zhihan how sometimes we should be alone. it's good to be alone at some point of time.
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Tuesday, April 04, 2006
secret shame
And you thought listening to sentimental songs and looking at old chat logs' self destructive. There's something more. Something deeper and darker. We all go through phases in life.
She sat waiting for that call on Christmas Eve. But it never came. She rummaged through her stuff and found something familiar. It has been quite some time since she's last done it. She hesitated and contemplated for a better solution. She thought of how others would see her. Maybe they wouldn't care.
The next day, the call came. She left home in a top with a gaping neckline and long sleeves, to cover those arms.
but love.
it's hard to accept the end when you're too close to what you've been looking for.
we're tired. we're scared.
We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth right in front of our faces.
the past few days' been great. i spent time shopping and Sun baking with my mum. we had fruit cake, banana cake and my butter cake. and most of all, they all taste delicious.
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Saturday, April 01, 2006
fools in love
Not proclaiming profusely and publicly doesnt mean I dont believe in it.
The night light used to cast one shadow although there were two of us, because you walked near, next to me. You used to stand in the way of the wind when I complained of the night's chilliness. Now, the light still casts one shadow, and I no longer feel the cold.
Derek took a sip of soup from my bowl and this girl went, "eww. Share food". I just rolled my eyes at her.
We saw a pair of councilors with their hands all over each other in their school uniform. I dont particularly condemn such actions but I just dont like seeing things like that. I deprecate and frown upon public display of affections, but only in school uniform. I think I'm contradicting myself. I've always stood by the idea that I dont care how others see me, even people in school. But here I'm disapproving of such actions. I dont do it as well cause I dont like seeing others doing it. Simple as that.
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