lester, u're contradicting yourself. i thought your stand is that hunks are dead? haa. yah yah. all hunks are dead except the glamorous and gorgeous lester. (:

i gave my upper sec history book to my sis. in those pages, were words etched in pencil. things like "get out of my life" and loads of rubbish like that. although it's only been a year or two, i cant recall who they were directed at. now, history lessons is just full of mindless copying of what yoong says.

today at PE, the Sun was out and burning our faces. i'm puzzled by my ambivalence towards the Sun and everything else. sometimes when it's cloudy and chilly, we long for the Sun, some action, some place away from here. what's the beach without the Sun. but not during PE or after school, the sultriness drives me nuts. sometimes, there's some things we just cant live without. And ambivalence is one of them, other than the Sun.

today is one of the "do not get into my way" days. i snapped at almost everyone, whether they were in my way or not.

here's a sneak preview of those hilarious pictures. pardon the blurness, i took them with my phone camera. i swear there were pics where i was slimmer and more demure but they were too blurred. anyway, these pics are going to be up here for 1 day!

1. gosh. look at those cheeks!
2. i swear i wasnt picking my nose here. i was scratching the bridge of that almost non-existent bump on my face(which pple call a nose if it's more prominent)
3. i hope my bro doesnt see this. we were at the exact spot where we were the last time, wondering if the pair of men were gay.

*be gone now.

8:36 PM;
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i found some photographs of the past while searching from my primary sch yearbook and i showed them to the girls. this is the kind of things u dont show people u're just aquainted with. i also found pictures of the not so distant past, when i still had my braces on and my glasses. (i was the girl nobody would want to date). pictures taken with 2/10, 4/9, xuan, neo and yans in between the pages of my organizers. a letter in chinese, postcards, remnants of the memories of the past. it was a night of reminiscent as i dug out some old math assignments and a social studies group work which i did with the people sitting around me then. raymond, rachel and derrick. and we failed terribly. haa. what's new. i'm enjoying how things are now but the past was pleasant too.

the movie that we watched for GP's rather interesting. it's an anime. other than spirited away, i dont think i've watched any movie of that sort. but it was a thought provoking way of looking at the topic of the environment (a rather dry one i would say). and i was real embarrassed today thanks to hanis. i came back from the washroom, not knowing what was happening and hanis & musa told me to go down and answer some question which i didnt even know what it was. i answered "luck" as provided by my classmates and the teacher said "can you give me a more intelligent answer?" i swear i was thoroughly humiliated, seeing there were more than 5classes there.

mr yoong screamed at us again.
yoong : "to cambridge, you are just a bloody statistic!"
i guess i cant agree more. i screwed up my block test pretty badly and life's not gonna be so good from now on.

I'm still learning what love is
When I'm walking close to you
The best way to hold your hand in mine
The best way to comfort you

I'm still learning what love is
Every time you look at me that way
I'm still trying to figure out just how
You can still look at me the same

Even though I may not get it right
All the time I will always try
And I will always stand right by your side

I'm still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I'm still trying to figure out what works

Guess it may
It may always be this way

6:14 PM;
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when u love someone, u forgive them.

11:04 AM;
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yea. fuck the past.

i would have given you my everything. but you didnt want it.

the most incredulous and ludicrous fact about the past is how i would have given you my everything. now, my everything will wait for someone who actually deserves it.

11:33 AM;
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so much for love
guess i've been wrong
but it's all right
cuz i'm moving on
i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes
and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
i'm gonna drive through the hills
with my hand out the window
and sing 'til i run out of words
i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
make small talk with waiters and truck driving men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
with no one around but me and my friends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

i've had enough of love
it feels good to give up
so good to be good to myself
i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
and plenty of vision in mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean
go skinny dipping
blow kisses to venus and mars
i'm gonna stop at every bar
and flirt with the cowboys in front their girlfriends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

so much for love
i guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on
i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringin me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

that is simply amusing. i'm surprised at the way i'm feeling now. i really am. suddenly everything just seems different. i'm back. And better than before.

spent the day with vicki and des. mich was missing in action. we tried on pretty dresses and sexy shoes, talked about everything and anything under the sun. dropped by diesel. more to see the boy than the cheerful coloured clothes.

i thought my day would end early but well, met vicki's friends, raymond, jackson and micheal(i think that's his name). they gave us a treat at boat quay. they really are friendly jolly people as described by vic. and coincidentally, micheal stays 3 blocks away from me. what a small world. raymond was so nice as to send me home. and boy am i glad. cause i have no idea how to get home from there and i didnt realise it was pretty late already.

well, my day didnt end as early as i thought it would. and it ended as great as how every day i spend with them would. (:

there's so much to look forward to and so much to work towards and i know i can.

thinking about that day. we broached the subject of homosexuality, and lesbianism, all of a sudden, it doesnt sound like such a blasphemy anymore. who makes rules in our lives, ourselves. so, why should we be held back by what others think of us?

i cant wait for us to turn 18, get a legal ID, obtain our licenses and drive down the streets singing at the top of our lungs.

12:52 AM;
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they say the marks on my back look like stars in the sky.
but i dont know the name of this constellation.

to D.
yes. you dont know me well. at least not as well as i thought you did. and well, neither do i know you as well as i thought i did. the thing is, i dont know myself that well either. there are some things i dont and never did understand or could comprehend. but there was one i explicitly knew but you didnt believe i did.
now, this is the very thing that you and i dont want to hear about.

9:46 PM;
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For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything.

hanis : angels smoke ganja.
that's why they're so high.

HAHAHA.

had the best time i've ever had in ages. suddenly, i feel extricated from it all, emotionally relieved and liberated. And it feels good.

the sun, the sea, the sand, the breeze, the tram.

my mum screamed at me for being crazy, going to the beach when i'm still having a flu, for the sixth day running. zh calls me the flu girl.

i want more beach, bikinis & boys with hot bods.
haa. that's so bimbotic.
ok. notice the emphasis on the B-word. i love the beach!

took off straight for sentosa after the last paper - the disasterous crisis of international history. inherent weaknesses in me that result in constant failure. well, that aside. we had FUN! chatting & tanning on the beach and in the sea. (: i seriously need a lot more of that. and i need to catch up on my studies too. so, my march resolution for the rest of the year - more studying per week, constant revision, a little less shopping & icecream, more exercise, the beach & the sun.

definitely, girlfriends are the most crucial, wonderful & fabulous people in life.
i love alicia! the crazy girl called in to perfect10 & dedicated a SONG TO ME! and the dim dj just went on abt shopping from there. like what a topic.

on the bridge, i highlighted the importance of flies, of how they played a crucial role in the ecosystem, how they would essentially, indirectly feed us. the paradox of the truth in everything, in reality.

speaking of diminutive & seemingly significant organisms on Earth, that reminds me of me. all through out my life, i've never been beautiful, glamorous, sociable, intelligent or any bit outstanding and that explains why i dont get noticed. that is to an extent, a blessing isn't it? no publicity's better than bad publicity. 'i love myself'.

let me digress to my bimbo side for 5secs. i found the cutest bikini! it has a RAINBOW on it! and it costs 100bucks. at harbourfront.

10:13 PM;
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back from econs. well, i didnt finish half the paper. so, guess whatever's coming my way's expected.
last paper on thurs. cheers & hoorays, party & icecream.
been having a flu for the past 4 days. i cant breathe. or think.
i couldnt spell. signify became synifgy, synigfy and patriarchal become parachial?

i just want everything to end. have a long break and do some crazy things. i miss the old relatively carefree time when studying for history meant memorizing all that was in the textbook, soaking in the pool after school, endless shopping and chats over coffee with my girlfriends.. where are you girls now? oh. and not forgetting studying with C and silly bowling sessions in the evening where we just spend the money to laugh at each other.

yesterday, we were talking about speaking in dialect, inspired from silas marner. or was it the j1 guy who said "they got the look wor." and she said "i love you" in canto, which i had learnt from anita, thinking i would actually use it.

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

angels dont smoke pipes

2:32 PM;
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one word for what i did yesterday. irrational.

visited my uncle at alexandra hosp. i'm glad he's alright now.
there were so many interesting personalities right in his ward. and outside. there was a man on wheelchair, all bandaged up, stealing a puff outside. and right inside, on the last bed, was a scrawny man cuffed to his bed, with 2 burly men watching over him. not forgetting the one who cant turn himself in bed with a devil etched on both his ankles. and nurses who are of the same age as me, bringing urinals to grown up men.

wow.

it was an unconstructive day. i went to the library, armed with my books and notes. but it was a futile effort. i ended up staring out of the window, listening to belle&sebastian, staring at the black couch next to the chinese section and the comics. a man strongly reeking of cigarette smoke and soap sat next to me. i cant explain how repulsive & nauseating the smell was.

i saw the most drop dead gorgeous man. when he turned and walked toawards me. i stopped in my tracks and i could have melted on the spot. fine chiselled features, tousled hair, stunning shoulders, mesmerizing eyes. (:

right. mich asked me to give it a shot. they said he's sweet. but i think he's alright. why put myself through this again. for him, it took such a short period of time, why cant i do it too?

11:17 AM;
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what's worse than feeling tired?
not being able to fall asleep and overhearing my mum telling my brother that my uncle's been hospitalized.

right. that's it.

11:23 AM;
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spent the day at mik's. trying to study. but it obviously didnt work. i've still got so much to cover. we ended up lying in bed, listening to music and chatting.

waited really long for the bus both times. i could have taken another one and changed at the expressway. i could have taken the easier way out, the faster way, but i chose to wait cause i was lazy. it reflected much of my personality. i sit and wait instead of trying to make my way out.

we had another one of those usual "confessional" talks. i realised how i'm so easily irritated. i get annoyed at the slightest things. even the weather affects me. and the worst of all, i dont reflect. not much at least.

am i as diminutive as they say i am?

9:06 PM;
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After all that we've been through
I will make it up to you
I promise to
And after all that's been said and done
- chicago

been listening to love songs all through the night til 4am while on the phone. and class95 plays all the old sentimental love songs which completely doesnt match the personalities of their deejays.

well, after the long conversation, i realised i dont know what he wants. and i've decided to be angry.

my toe just stopped bleeding. it has been since 3am and i've been leaving a trail of blood everywhere i go, which is disgusting.

be leaving for either jurong or natl lib soon to start STUDYING. it's kinda late to start but..

As long as the stars shine down
From the heavens
Long as the rivers run
To the sea
I'll never get over you
Getting over me

I try to smile so the hurt won't show
Tell everybody
That I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won't go away 

12:01 PM;
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shopping with julie in the afternoon and to NUS where i met steph, andrew, benson, jerold.

it was an evening of stilettos, fake eyelashes, vodka, cranberries, committing suicide, missing people, the silly things you would do for love, extra-marital affairs, massacres, sexuality and confessions.

got home with a headache.

we baked the best cookies today.

he likened watching me devour my lunch to admiring art.

1:58 PM;
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no room to bleed

you so blatantly lied.

you will always long for and cherish what is out of reach or harder to make yours.
and for me, i cannot lose what i never had.

i'm not as mad at you than i'm with myself, for believing in you.
i was insecured because i felt that i wasnt good enough for you. you just proved me right. wait, i think it's the other way round. at least i was honest.

because of that, i got so annoyed with this J1 moron for spilling his hor fun on me. i wouldnt have been so pissed if he had the decency to realise that he has been clumsy and turned back to apologise. and i didnt even realise til i turned back & he was gone. manners kiddo. apparently he doesnt possess that.

had lunch with zhihan at the junior sch.

6:30 PM;
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a party sounds great.

i really feel like giving myself a break before i start mugging for the block test. but well, like what shir says, once u start, u'll never stop. BUT it really sounds like fun. and there's also jo's party.

imagine this, unrestrained singing, band of 5, in a lecture theatre in a junior college.
of silly old songs that you thought you will never hear again. it was like we were back in primary school, singing love songs.

was late for school again. like really late. musa spotted me walking to sch and offered me a ride in the cab which would spare me the walk through the secondary and junior school. how nice. (:
should have just stayed home and gone for the test. anyw, i failed another one. yoong blasted at us.

I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 and on your machine, 
I slur a plea for you to come home.
But I know it's too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay

7:28 PM;
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my mum was on the bus too.

me : mummy, this is XX.
XX, this is the empress dowager my mum.

oh dear. imagine that.
but fortunately, i didnt have to do that cause my mum knows him. and well, my mum would love for me to date him.

cramps were killing me the whole afternoon. really considered staying in bed since there was no tests today but mrs tan would have bugged me to see a doc abt my incessant migraines.

vicki proposed to ben today!

i tried to resist the temptation, of the sin, of chocolates in the moring. or any other time.
i tried to douse the bitterness of the liquor and the sweet chocolate with ice cold water. i scrubbed my teeth & tongue hard. but it lingered.


Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins

Wrong way on a one way track

6:34 PM;
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i havent got home so late on a sch day in a long time.

waited til 5pm. i'm back. to boy-watching & all that. cursing, taking photos, making plans to party.

it was 8+ by the time we left. and 4 out of 5 gates were closed. we contemplated climbing over but it wld be inappropriate for me to do so. so the 2 guys had to walk the long way with me. they had their dinner while i sat there watching. it was nice, talking to him on the train.

i'm so tired.

11:18 PM;
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is the bottom of your heart really 2 fingers below your left nipple?

One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday

i watched moulin rouge. for the 4th or 5th time. but this time, it was different. i didnt shed a tear. all the other times, despite already seeing the ending play in front of me so many times before. maybe it was because i dont believe in that love anymore. the "come what may, i will love you until my dying day" - love.

we sang this song of love but how much of it did we believe in?
satine : come back to me and forgive everything.
dont leave me this way.

and you would think people would be sick of silly love songs.

Love is a many splended thing, 
love lifts us up where we belong, 
all you need is love 


My gift is my song
And this one's for you.

And you can tell everybody
That this is your song.
It may be quite simple but
Now that it's done.

Hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world.

Sat on the roof
And I kicked off the moss.
Well some of these verses
Well they, they got me quite cross.
But the sun's been kind
While I wrote this song.

It's for people like you
That keep it turned on.

So excuse me forgetting,
But these things I do.
You see I've forgotten
If they're green or they're blue.
Anyway the thing is,
What I really mean,
Yours are the sweetest eyes
I've ever seen.

And you can tell everybody
This is your song.
It may be quite simple,but
Now that it's done.

I hope you don't mind,I hope you don't mind
That I put down in words
How wonderful life is now you're in the world!

but when there's really nothing you can do about a love that's gone away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

but well, what can be better than loving yourself?
having your closest friends ard you,
doing what you love to do.
speaking of that,
the PJ basketballers will be here tmr.
which means i'll get to see steph & andrew!
not forgeting jerold.. 

9:35 PM;
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i woke up with the same throbbing pain, having the air cut off from my room didnt help. i took a bath yesterday, not realising there were men hanging on cables & boxes outside the window.

i looked back on the messages in the phone. i kept the most painful one from J. the one that said how much he loved me, so that i will never make the same mistake again. but alas, i never learn.

i remember the last migraine attack. i cried in sch, in front of all my classmates, mrs tan and everyone who was at the balcony. i told D. abt it and he amused me with talk of not wanting his hair to turn white with worry.

it wasnt hard falling in love, staring at each other across the table, sitting close to you on the long bus journey, knowing you were late in getting home to leave, one week away from you when you left town. not forgetting the walk along clarke quay & boat quay, meeting my uncle, being caught in the rain when you were sick so that you could walk me to the library.
the look on your face when i pushed you away when you tried to hold my hand.

come to think of it, you didnt believe as much as you said you did. you never said it.
all those times you told me you did, but what was it? that just broke everything?

"i cant take any more lies.
it`s not too late if u want to go away." - 17oct05

"have u ever felt u held all the
happiness u cld ever feel in your hands." - 29nov05

your hearts` safe with me.

"u're just too good to be true
can't take my eyes off of u
u'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold u so much" - 02nov05

"I can't help it baby this is who I am
I'm sorry but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me you build me up but just to watch me break
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away. " 03dec05

- "i think i should really hug you to sleep"

IT'S DESTRUCTIVE AND PERNICIOUS TO HOLD ON. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ONE LAST CHANCE. YOU CAN FORGIVE, BUT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET.

1:46 PM;
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it was tormenting. it hurt so much, i couldnt breathe and my muscles were tensed. i cant remember it any better. it was like an old enemy who intrudes into my head whenever he wanted to, with swords and axes. even voices, vibrations, light and the wind aggravated the throbbing pain.

thanks musa, mich & des for the panadols.

i cabbed home. after the second hour in sch. all the time wondering if there wld ever be a day someone would pick me up from sch instead, even my parents, and watch over me while i slept.

3:10 PM;
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i wish evrything would just go back to the time before all these. i spent a lot of time alone. but at least i was happy or happier. just thinking abt what could be happening to me instead of it actually happening and ending.


i`m so happy for anita dearest. if he's ever nasty to her, i`ll make him impotent. whatever ways i can.

i`m so glad to see them again. it`s been so long.

what's meant to be will be right. and what's not is just crap.

i cant rmb what i wanted to say. what's new? i'm having such a bad headache, i want to split open my head, dig out my brain & flush it down the toilet bowl. i`m sure it deserves bettter treatment, but i cant think of any this moment.

isnt talking abt it supposed to make me feel better? why am i feeling worse? cause it reminds me of the hurtful things i`ve done. alicia's mistaken. of course she wld side with me but i hope i made it clear.

i told alicia abt a friend who had been there for me all the time, always caring & making me feel good abt myself.

mich asked if i`ll ever be bisexual.

a million bucks or him.

all these simple questions that get your head spinning so hard. how ironic.

i had a dream. an old friend, S. held my hand and led me to him. he told me everything will be alright. then simon & shir took my hands too. i collapsed when i got to him. it was like my legs were jelly. he came over. and told me abt a gay dude who wrote him a love letter (??). i told him i didnt want to hear abt it and struggled to get up. to leave.

what defines a good picture?

9:25 PM;
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jiemin
02 aug 1988
saint andrew's junior college

filchingescapades-@hotmail.com /
ljiem.in@gmail.com

alicia
anita
baohui
bel
char
desiree
glenn
hanis
jill
joey
junling
lester
liz
musa
nas
sam
sherrie
simon
tessa
vicki
yan

February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007