Les Romanesques

2007-02-08T11:52:00.001+08:00

friday i'm in love

--- new hideout

i read to stop thinking

2007-02-05T09:07:00.000+08:00

Saturday, we put on Dvds at his place. and i met his parents. we wanted a good laugh and a lazy afternoon and we did have. with his adorable sister, pretzels and sparkling.

thereafter, i met zhihan at the National Library and we ran into his brother when we were at Bugis. then was over to Benson's for a BBQ. stayed there til late after we managed to work out car routes and andrew drove us home. maybe it's time for me to work for my license. it seems lovely cruising down the streets in the night, without the buses crowding the roads.

Friday, alicia waited for me outside my office while i was up at the library running errands and chatting with the librarian. then i met Des, after being harrassed by this unidentified Malay man. we hung out outside Gas Haus, slightly socializing and more of checking out the people. ran into an old friend there.

whoever it is with, we always have issues. well, maybe it's not them but me. the skeptic and cynic in me just refuses to ever believe that everything will work out just fine. perhaps i miss missing someone, having my thoughts concrete and laid out in one straight path, without the idealism.

2007-01-22T09:18:00.000+08:00

the week that just passed :

being accosted by a persistent surveyor, the annoying perfume promoter, a distresssful time at NUM, fun but embarrassing time at Sentosa with the guys and steph, unpleasant dinner at Asian Kitchen, meeting the girls and abandoning our DXO plans, heading for MOS instead where the crowd was horrid, meeting a nice Aussie man and his girl, and another gentleman on the dancefloor and stoning at Macs at 4 in the morning

2007-01-16T11:02:00.000+08:00

2 years ago, on this very day, we were at East Coast Park. you were showing me the scars of your childhood accidents. and i, naive as i was, took everything in.

trace your silhouette in candlelight

2007-01-12T11:51:00.000+08:00

flowers, lovely dinners, being sent home in a cab at midnight. these are the strangely unfamiliar i'm not used to having in my life. but since it has happened, i shall enjoy it while it lasts.

i'm missing so many people now.they seem to be vanishing into assessments, projects, work, army, vacations and many others. i wonder if i'm gone too.

Wednesday, we wanted to get to Arab Street for Shisha/Hookah or whatever you call it.
"a little smoke never killed anyone" so he says. but we were too lazy so we decided to have a little feast and then stone at the Pyramid instead. peaceful night staring at the threatening orangey sky and the lighthouse in a distance, talking about my holiday, varsity, christening a toad, playing on the slide, watching toddlers.

i feel like dancing, actually.

2007-01-08T11:42:00.000+08:00

we hung out on friday for the last time before he enlists for National Service.
had Jap for dinner, caught Blood Diamond and shared a Haagen Daz Sundae which we had along the road near Somerset. after, we wandered around in Meridien talking about Thai massages and being a masseur.

he almost made me believe that there would be a MacDonalds outlet in my ulu neighbourhood when he mistook the coffeeshop sign as the Macs one. amusing. it was a nice chill out day except that i cant bring myself to say that. i often have difficulty expressing appreciation.

my mum told me of an ex-neighbour's son who passed away of cancer at 36years old of age. i felt sympathetic for a while but that feeling was so fleeting. life seems so fragile but, perhaps that's why we should have all the fun we can have while we can.

Sat was spent at home groaning, sniffing and coughing.

met mich neo on Sun, after a really really long while. spent the day shopping and catching up with each other.
she asked why i'm still alone. and i said i still havent found the right one. boy, what a lie.

girl with kaleidoscope eyes

2007-01-03T16:07:00.000+08:00

i've been silly. that i know too well.

D : "i kind of liked you back then"
that was 2 years ago? and that just makes everything more screwed up than it already is. i think i will just be ignoring that. so, you can continue talking to me if you have something else to talk to me abt

it's a New Year yet again. last year, we hid away from the world and thought we were happy that way. this year, we joined them and i had fun.

i dont quite rmb much. all i recall was waiting outside starbucks for the fireworks, running into KF and Zhuan and then Chris in the morning, the nasty pain, getting my heel stuck in the pavement again, talking to ray briefly abt As and white men. and i recall him replying with "another place, another time" to one of my qns. and somehow, that phrase seems a little too familiar but i cant seem to recollect where i've seen or heard it. but i somewhat think i'm supposed to.

sitting at some random pub, listening to random music that i mostly could not comprehend was rather amusing. except when we drank a little too much and became overly maudlin.

i was supposed to meet mich or c. but i so happened to forget and only saw the messages and missed calls when it was too late. and i think i should have gone. instead, i went along and they snucked me into the cinema where i found myself waking up next to ray and benson.

i'm really glad for all those who were there. those who have always been there.

he always make me tongue-tied and at a loss for words even after knowing him for such a long while. it's disastrously embarrassing.

2006-12-28T22:52:00.000+08:00

reminder on 27 dec 2006, 700am - you're just another girl

2006-12-21T12:02:00.001+08:00

currently at work and busy doing Chinese to English translation, making many mistakes, ending days with talk about the future (or my lack of it), marriage, children, aging amidst many other subjects. work is draining but that's just routine and it's way better than being idle. the incessant rain is rendering me shoeless besides having an extremely negative influence on my sleep pattern and dreams, darkening them and making them seem more than surreal and making me more paranoid.

other than that, everything's going great. there's the comfort of knowing that des is opposite at Sunshine Plaza, playing tetris, researching and ready to rescue me if i ever need any rescuing. on the other hand, i've been taken for a fool again. but what's new about that. however, i'm relieved that things are cleared up and almost back to the way things were before.

this is where you can find me from 9am to 6pm, from monday to friday every week. for most lunch times as well. just ring the bell.

signing off,
the ~~sweet~~ love thing

what a (lovely/lonely) thing, in a blood red dress

2006-12-12T19:35:00.000+08:00

right now, i'm slightly handicapped without my cellphone which i broke and now i'm broke too and in much debt. tmr, i'm going to check out the gym at work. if it doesnt work out, i'm going to spend lunchtime with the new book - 'The Wall Jumper'

other than that, i'm truly glad for the people who care and do not judge me like how i judge myself, help me sort out my thoughts when they deviate and slip, wait more than 2 hours with me for my turn to service my phone, hold my stuff while i digress and go shopping when i'm supposed to be picking up stuff and head home straight and watch me parade around in red dresses..

and there are those i would love to mock. for their cowardice and their lies.

2006-12-10T15:29:00.000+08:00

this is one of those days when i'm just lazing around the house, roasting marshmallows above a charcoal fire, having home-baked cake and it makes me feel fortunate/relieved/placid/recharged/(and fat).

surviving an entire week of low-salaried work despite feeling ill makes me feel accomplished. spending occasional nights out brings reprieve. meeting up with my girls ends the week perfectly as we endured bad service (as usual), shopped around, laugh at the idea of a 'Milkshake Party', walk leisurely on Orchard Road, stare wistfully at our beloved accompanied Vicki while Des and Mich tried to read their fortune with a glass of polluted water and i had my mushroom soup Alone. Then getting home at noon the next day, shopping with my mum in the evening and watching typically typical HongKong dramas in the middle of the night makes everything seem so quiescent and soothing.

Best of all would be having pals expressing their concern occasionally. In a way, i'm blessed. But at the same time, i'm craving for a holiday, company, spontaneity and charm.

2006-12-09T15:42:00.000+08:00

yesterday night was enjoyable, except the part when my heel was stuck in the pavement of Orchard Road and i was slightly batty and paranoid during dinner while bemoaning our individual chasms. after that was good too. just got home, slightly after 1pm. in need of sleep but i'm too unsettled.

2006-12-06T19:52:00.000+08:00

what a bad day. even listening to The Beatles isnt alleviating any of that shit

and work is.. well, dreary and wearisome. i really need a break, to go somewhere where i'm a nobody to everybody. or maybe a rendezvous. but well, due to constraints, i can only go on weekends and i cant leave the country. great.

2006-12-02T21:02:00.000+08:00

i used to believe in vino veritas. but well, in wine, there's lust too.

2006-12-01T07:31:00.000+08:00

yesterday night or should i say this morning went completely out of control. other than steph and people, there were fifi, guowei and colin. well, getting home got me more awake than ever and soon, it's time for work. the montony's about to set in and it's going to stay for a while.

inebriated words that mean little.

2006-11-29T12:28:00.000+08:00

i actually overslept for the Last paper. and barely studied for it, wasting away the 3 days before that. and the past few days were spent at the gym with cl, working out those lazy limbs, meeting his friends, watching a concert at the Esplanade, having Gelare waffle for supper, entertaining a drunk friend who spent the entire night trying to convince me he wasnt drunk and who then falling asleep halfway into the conversation when we were on the topic of breasts, and more lazing and eating.

great. i need a job and time with my girls.

2006-11-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

after running into him for 2 consecutive days, i decided to do something irrational.
it must be something about those brows.

feist - love you inside out (bee gees tribute)

2006-11-22T20:17:00.001+08:00

removed

2006-11-22T11:38:00.000+08:00

i'm not even going to complain about the As because everytime i think about it, the vision of 4-Fs appear in my mind. (i'm keeping my notes for a replay of this- the liquidity trap, the REVISIONIST theory, the Tiananmen Incident, Perestroika, fiscal policies etcetera. of course, not forgetting the tendency by cambridge to set ridiculous questions to differentiate between the intellects and the dumb, namely, me)

nas : yes. i'm going to miss it all although i didnt really spend that much time with the class. i love you! and smith! haa.

anita : hope everything is going fine and mel is well and jumping ard, telling his lame jokes. see you soon! tanning session and bikini shopping soon. love you!

alicia : relax babe. you need sufficient rest before you can be more productive. (:

bel : dont work too hard yea. get enough rest and all. not superwoman. see u soon! (:

liz : hope everything went well for you cause it certainly didnt for me! (:

junling : see you soon! that nicholas always think i'm busy with boys. haa.

vicki : you know you're loved deeply, so dont make us jealous! ha. (from another one of your admirers)

our lovely mr smith(or santa) who is leaving us for aussie with his favourite books and i hope, his favourite kids.

2006-11-16T21:22:00.000+08:00

i need something, just something to bridge the chasm

boy am i glad for this temporary reprieve (from that something quite ominous). after tmr evening, after a nice time at vivo city, it would be back to my notes.

this week has been trying, with papers everyday. but i'm glad it's almost over although i'm well aware of the high possibility i'll have to go through all these again. all through this period, i'm most thankful for my lovely girls, zhihan, jeremy who occasionally asks how i'm doing and lester for his random phone calls and his equally random quoting of Shakespeare and Chaucer. i dont know how i would have gone through this crap. i'm not exaggerating here.

many nights of staying up til the wee hours with futile attempts to study, drifting from my notes to many unrestrained thoughts and then dreaming of dreams where it was painful to stay asleep in or wake up from. (it makes reality seem surreal and wishes for dreams to be real)

and a trip to the doctor's just made me feel worse.

and, i cant believe the 2years in A11 is over just like that. it seems extremely short and i'm going to miss it all.

no, i'm not going through the motions.

2006-10-25T11:27:00.000+08:00

i gather that i must be going a little insane. i stayed up til the wee hours of Tuesday morning, til 6am, lying in bed after finishing a gp compre(a tremendous achievement), but unable to fall asleep. attempting to read The Boey certainly didnt make things any better. and i ended up trying to find refuge in the first person whom i thought would be awake. it seems like just weeks ago that we were mugging for the Os doesnt it.

2006-10-13T19:36:00.000+08:00

i guess if anyone has reason to be a misandrist, that would be me.

the fact that we no longer need to drag our feet along the streets of Potong Pasir at 715am has not sunk in, yet.

2006-10-10T21:25:00.000+08:00

- Do what you love. Fuck everything else.

i wonder if i'll ever dare to step away from reality and do something different, try a new experience. i dont think i'll have the courage and tenacity to. like how i didnt dare to choose the path to Poly cause i was afraid i would regret it later. (not like i'm not regretting JC) what would things be like if i made a different choice? i guess i'll never know, cause life does not move back in time.

i finally caught Little Miss Sunshine and everyone should too. It truly brought me into another dimension, another perspective and somewhere real. it is heartwarming and induces heartache even at times when we were laughing madly. i guess it is true that suffering is what brings you forward in life, what brings you to learning new things and appreciating what's intrinsic. but the question is how much can we take before we give up?

2006-10-08T13:04:00.000+08:00

CL and i had our mini Lantern and Mooncake festival celebration on Friday, complete with lanterns, mooncakes, candles and an almost full moon. we went up to the top of the hill and spent the time catching up with each other, letting the candles burn out instead. it was nice although i was supposed to be catching up with my books.

getting up early for tuition is a chore.

i hope nobody saw me asleep,
with my mouth wide open,
and my faith all broken.

2006-10-04T19:20:00.000+08:00

i wish i'm still a kid. even though it means going to school donned in PAP-colours and being indoctrinated with government-loving sentiments. because it means needing to only bring my water bottle with me and nothing else. although that means i would have to fight for my crayons with the other kids, tomorrow, we would all be playing at the playground.

with a face like mine, i would just need a XXXXXXL dress.

2006-10-01T15:39:00.000+08:00

playing in the background : Red Rover - Rosie Thomas and Sam Beam (Iron & Wine)[removed]

life seems just a little stale these days. we just go on this endless repeat of trying to keep to our study plan, to prepare to not fail our A levels which are one month away, agonizing about our lack of something, be it motivation or love, that that is intangible. maybe for some, it's money. perhaps making plans and writing lists can take those thoughts away or hide them til we are brave enough to face up to them.

admitting that i still have him in my mind was easy on my fingers but not on my mind. Without a doubt, i was in denial and have been for quite a while, floundering and awaiting for something.

i've been trying rather unsuccessfully to start on my GP essay for the past few days. i need to get rid of that procrastinating bug in my brain(and hands and ass) and start finishing my work before i can do my revision.

results have not been optimistic. Ds for everything i've received and will only be Cs if the school is kind enough to round up my decimals. i hope things are better for my peers.

yesterday, there was a mishap involving curry and a white bag, and we had to run in the rain and dash across a busy road. evidently, being the idiot i am, i needed a 'helping hand' on the last one.

was assisting Vicki in her compilation and well, it makes me wonder if i will ever find someone i can do that for or someone who would do the same for me. til then, i'll be listening to Rosie Thomas and reading Chuck Palahniuk and Jean Coctaeu.

October (seems like ages ago)

2006-09-29T18:45:00.000+08:00

Make her a flower in late December
When the sun is not shining on her
Write her a love song and play it all day long
To remind her of all that she is worth
Never never leave her
Take her on long drives for ice-cream by sea sides
And give her your coat when she is cold
Tell her you miss her when you're close enough to kiss her
And that you'd walk a thousand miles to tell her so
But never never leave her
Take photographs of her on Brooklyn street in October
When her nervous smile is slightly curved
Some days when she is slightly down tell her it's okay to frown
It makes you just fall more in love with her
But never never leave her

- rosie thomas

there seems to be something missing in my life but i cant figure out if it's rescuing me from the invisible or it's killing me (bit by bit).

today, i was a wreck. And, i made two wishes.

2006-09-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

ran into lerxian 2 days ago. almost forgot i've befriended him a long time ago, almost wanted to avoid catching his eyes and walk away. then i recalled, this is the boy i used to have long chats with in the past and now, we just seem to not have much to say to each other, wishing each other well in studies before parting ways. i guess time does a lot to people.

i saw Sam on Tues. this time, i didnt feel that undesirable feeling as i did the last time. and i'm more than glad.

what i did this week during the break after the exams..

monday,

Tuesday,

look at those awful eyebags. and those are my shoes with Des next to me. talk abt randomness.

wednesday was the day we reluctantly trudged the pathways of Potong Pasir. i was glad to see Ram's encouraging "Up & On" but at the same time, was commented on as "cynical", "sappy" and "pedantic" on another paper.

Saturday was lovely, despite having to make my way unwillingly to Swensons at Chinatown to collect the icecream mooncakes. Bad service aside, it was enticing just going through the many flavours(Macadamia Nut, Chewy Chocolate, Vanilla etc etc) that they have. after getting home and fooling around with the dry ice, i went down to town, dragged him shopping, made my first visit to Crystal Jade, got my caffeine from Coffee Bean at Scotts and finally, satisfied my perennial cravings for YAMI yoghurt's banana boat(again).

Lester prank called me, exclaiming he's the enunch i've mail ordered from China and how we've had a great time. i reminded him, enunches cant have good times. not in the way i defined his "great time".

i wish days would repeat themselves

i suppose i just need assurance; someone who would spend time with me and tell me it was lovely.

2006-09-24T22:25:00.000+08:00

Song

When I am dead, my dearest,
Sing no sad songs for me;
Plant thou no roses at my head,
Nor shady cypress tree:
Be the green grass above me
With showers and dewdrops wet;
And if thou wilt, remember,
And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows,
I shall not feel the rain;
I shall not hear the nightingale
Sing on, as if in pain:
And dreaming through the twilight
That doth not rise nor set,
Haply I may remember,
And haply may forget.

- Christina Rossetti

if u have time, read this

2006-09-20T15:54:00.000+08:00

Two of us wearing raincoats
Standing solo in the sun

you joined in the lament, moping that you're not loved.
then you realize, you took more than you gave. you never really showed how much you loved him.
have you ever gone out of the way and done something quite out of your nature for him? have you ever brought him coffee when he's having his exams or made him honey when he's having a sore throat? gave him a massage when he's tired? remembered his favourite food? or made him cookies on the pretext that u're making them for your friends because you're afraid to tell him the truth so that he wouldnt think you're madly in love with him?
were you afraid to say "I love you"? because you were afraid that he might not feel the same?

perhaps we all were.

who wants to live forever?

2006-09-17T12:19:00.000+08:00

referring back to my entry about the Fountain of Immortality, honestly, i dont want to live for eternity even if the people around me do too. i feel that life need renewal, time and time again. we need to go for someone new to come along. besides, what's the point of living forever? and what is worth living for? it's when life is short that you learn to cherish things because you know they will go away some time and u set goals and list things you want to do and see because you know that you may not have all the time in the world to do them. otherwise, things we want to do will always be pushed back to the endless tomorrows and never be done.

like Queen's song,

There's no time for us
There's no place for us
What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away
From us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

There's no chance for us
It's all decided for us
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?

Who dares to love forever?
When love must die

But touch my tears with your lips
Touch my world with your fingertips
And we can have forever
And we can love forever
Forever is our today
Who wants to live forever
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today

Who waits forever anyway?

- it's when u learn to cherish things today that it lives in your heart forever.

i am learning now, as of this moment, spending time with the people i love. yesterday was spent shopping.

monday will be the time we gorge ourselves with good food, good company and great conversations, tuesdays would be with the girls if nothing goes wrong. and next week, i might just meet my chen xiao xuan who will take some time off from her busy schedule for me.

A Face by the Window

2006-09-15T21:50:00.001+08:00

I love you, the grey face in the grey
window of the coffee house - the face
with expectations.-
In the age of broken spears, ships,
masts - the heart full of
arrows - grey apathy in the eyes,
you would know: It spills
over us like a cascade of light
from the sky.

We will be able to look at
the swaying of the green seas
and see terrifying whirlpools,
sailors on masts,
without nervousnes.

- Slovenian magic (my new love, for a love that's past)

2006-09-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

"if you're going to portray sadness, if you're going to have enormous amounts of sad, dark material, it has to be presented in a funny way, or there has to be intermittent funny scenes to release that tension, to bring people back up, to contrast with the sadness so that it can occur again and again."

isnt that a reflection of life? for something to cause you sadness, you have to know what is happiness and to truly appreciate happiness, you have to had gone through some hard times. i think i'm in transit.

The Fountain of Immortality

2006-09-12T14:26:00.000+08:00

Will you deliver this bane from bondage?

Take this ring, it's a symbol of your pledge to find the elixir of mortality.

You shall wear it when you find Eden. And when you return, I shall be your Eve.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Hate Love

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaiman. (i wonder when he said that, since he's now married with kids)

Des found this. and yes, it does remind all of us we're not insane. we're just unrepentant and maybe a little too inclined towards sadistic tendencies, allowing someone else to do the job of cutting us up.

dreaming of things that are lost.

2006-09-11T13:41:00.000+08:00

i'm trying not to be completely pessimistic about this prelims but i cant help it. the most euphemistic expression i can think of to describe this is "FUCKED UP PIECE[S] OF CRAP". i committed academic suicide by attempting the essay questions for all 3 texts. because... i was TOO LAZY to read the context based? what a ridiculous excuse. seeing how essay questions require a holistic understanding of the text and lot of quotations to "substantiate your point", i just screwed myself upside down. i hope claudine spares my soul and not condemn me to the "DEVEL".

i didnt want to blog about this pathetic period of most young adults' lives cause i know how much everyone hates it. well, i've come to a conclusion that i need to do a lot of mugging - whether smartly or blindly. just mug. i'm sure it will pay off, somehow. (just like our closet muggers, we gotta learn from them).

life is short

2006-09-05T12:11:00.000+08:00

i chanced upon this while searching for another poem. this may seem familiar to some as quoted by Edmund in Long Day's Journey Into Night.
this is written by Ernest Christopher Dowson, who by some chance has the same birthday as me. and this poem, was said to be written about a 12 year old girl whom he was wildly in love with. he was 24 years old then and alas, the love was unrequited. he died of alcoholism or perhaps tuberculosis, at 32.

another lovely piece by him :

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream.

-Vitae Summa Brevis Spem Nos Vetat Incohare Longam

2006-09-04T15:33:00.000+08:00

belle & sebastian - Marx and Engels

2006-09-03T18:11:00.000+08:00

yesterday night's plan to study til daybreak was interrupted by 2 phone calls.

zh called and we talked til 2. followed by C. who called after that.. we chatted til daybreak, almost 6, catching up for the past few months that we havent seen each other. we could have gone on talking, if not for my dad who came over. we talked about school, family, and everything that has been happening in our lives and even those that happened before but we missed out on our past conversations.
he asked if i would go to his wedding if he was to get married and i said of course i would and he better invite me or i'd be mad. then he asked what if i'm the one he marries. i told him that is a silly thought.

when we hung up, i told him i'd love to marry him.
i'm glad he called cause i did miss him.

like lovers not.

2006-08-31T10:00:00.000+08:00

everyone's a selective romantic. there is really no such thing as absolute romanticism, contrary to popular belief. but there is unity in movement and thought.

yesterday, i rescued Des from a dress monster, promised Mich i would bind my chest and be her man if the need arises and had the aircon throw up gallons of water on my head.

right at home, this is the familiar time of voluntary wake up calls to an unwilling sleepyhead, random phone calls of various debates unrelated to academics and cups of coffee. not because it happens at every certain time of the year but because it happens. with someone who cares.

that day, while preparing the route for the outdoor activity for camp, we disgressed a little and fumbled around childhood memories of lego sets.

darn, i wish i have photoshop.
we look so yellow.

history books forgot about us.

2006-08-26T12:33:00.000+08:00

been having a tummyache since dinner at 12am this morning. oh boy.

since my birthday wish is coming true, i guess i can talk about it. (since it's believed that wishes dont come true if u talk about them) i wished those around me would be happy and that mich's dad would get a job. well, vicki is happy with danii (although we may seem boiled up with envy due to much cynicism and paranoia - okay, i'm the paranoid one. but we really are happy for her.) des seems contented with her infatuation, mich's dad found a job although it may not exactly be what he is looking for but well, it's better than nothing. and well, for the rest of the people, i've got to see them before i know but it's pleasing to know that wishes do to a certain extent, come true.

i need a big hug and a good back rub.

i like going for tuition, in spite of the fact that it means making a fool out of myself - exhibiting my incapability of giving intelligent answers in front of a whole class of people whose names i dont know, sitting next to random people, risk getting stranded in Orchard when i'm supposed to be at home mugging my ass off.. well, b. lim makes economics fun. (:

there's so many things i cant wait to do once this is over.

i forgot how good it feels to have someone there for me.

bel : thanks honey. i cant wait to see u guys again. (:
nas : love u too! study hard but dont burn out. i know u'll do well.
vicki : HOW CAN C-S-A by even associated with enjoyment?! despite the fact that i felt a little better after my tuition tcher explained it and i got it, i still dislike it. numbers..
des : i definitely agree with you. i guess we're spethal after all. in many ways. (:

2006-08-23T09:08:00.000+08:00

studied at Starbucks again and this time both of us stayed there from 1pm to 6pm before breaking for dinner and returning a while later, studying til 10+. the staff offered us mooncakes and their special, Pumpkin Spice Latte though i dont think i looked like i was remotely going to be a customer of their unconventionally flavoured cakes and coffee as i am a pretty conservative person or perhaps one who is reluctant to break out of my comfort circle.

we talked a little.. too much actually. i was reminded about the time i got slightly drunk and the time i was grotesquely drunk, staring down at the mixture of my dinner and whiskey(with green tea) that i threw up.

that aside,
i am getting worried and having problems calculating comparative shit advantage. but not exactly doing enough constructive work and randomly drawing smiley faces all over.

i really wished d. was more like him. just a little. and i wish i was too.

singing my hotel song

2006-08-19T22:01:00.000+08:00

this lady accompanied me as i tried to do constructive work today.

it was a rather conducive environment at Starbucks as i tried to study with zhihan and a new friend.

hope everyone is working hard and able to achieve what they're working for.

If I kiss you where it’s sore
Will you feel better

2006-08-18T19:26:00.000+08:00

i didnt know what to say to make you feel better. i guess it was because i never was really as close to you as i thought i was. i'm sure things arent that bad now for her and for you as well. i hope you wont crumble under all the pressure and unhappiness and be strong through everything.

2006-08-15T21:22:00.000+08:00

there's not much chance i'll be at SAJC's graduation night. there's no way i'm gonna let the school exhort more money out of me. and i definitely would not want to put myself through all that trouble. why pay all that money to sit there watching people have fun.

yesterday, mich compared all of us to Disney characters and we're gonna have a Disney day some day. she associated me with Snow White. well, it's not because i have those snow white skin and beautiful rose red lips, but because i like small people (notably kids) and i probably can fit into the short dwarf-sh home. the first part makes it sound like i'm paedophilic which i absolutely am not though i'm fond of kids. and well, the only familiarity between me and Snow White is that i like apples too. on an afterthought, i do not want my Prince Charming to be a necrophile.

HA. how completely nonsensical of her. now you know what our conversations encompass half the time.

you give me fever.

2006-08-14T17:12:00.000+08:00

sexuality is more than appearances and attraction is more complicated than we think it be.

i need something to tear me away from that beady eyes and piercing stare.

i'm glad i'm going for Econs tuition although it means travelling 3 hours each time just to get there and back, risk losing my way in unfamiliar Bishan in the middle of the night and that i'm paying for the fees out of my own pocket. i tried to convince my mum that it would be good investment for her future but she refuted me and insisted that it is for my own future. i guess i'll have to give it a shot. at least i'm trying.
thanks Lester, for the box of markers! they're absolutely lovely. (:

buckets of rain

2006-08-11T19:26:00.000+08:00

BLOCK TEST 2
Lit - B
Hist - E
Econs - D

no. that does not just spell BED. it spells "screwed up" as well. maybe i should just lie in bed and not make those futile attempts to get out.

i wonder if one day i'll become completely eccentric and push all the buttons in the lift.

goodbye town

2006-08-09T23:23:00.000+08:00

you're my sweetest downfall.

i went for the newspaper collection after much contemplation. it was after all supposed to be a class effort and i'm glad i fulfilled my part. and i didnt regret dragging my ass all the way down to the remote potong pasir, not before timing my entrance so that i would not have to bear with the traditional and usually awfully long National Day speech.

we spent the time given to us for breakfast at the playground playing on the swings. it was good bonding time (not so much for the rest of the class as it is evident they dont need it as much as i do). now i have a video of joel and daiwei on the swings. with daiwei demonstrating his lack of childhood. haa.

jeremy's my newspaper buddy. i stole him from vicks. the residents were really amicable. a topless man with a cigarette in his hand gestured for us to go into his hse to get the papers ourselves but he turned out to be really nice. another complained about the lack of upgrades on the flats cause of the absence of the presence of the PAP. a few flats were creepy but i guess that's just normal.

prelims are less than 3 weeks away!

extricating from madness

2006-08-06T00:30:00.000+08:00

it was a great day spent just chilling out and indulging in food.

nic & i explored toy r us, looking for my hoops and he bought me some sweet candy thingy that i've never had before and i definitely didnt regret it. thereafter, we had a Banna Boat from Yami Yoghurt which was really yummy although they had ran out of most of the fruits so we had to make do just a banana, peaches and kiwis. but still, it was sweet. (:

this is my break from all the shit life's been dishing out. best of all, i know that some people will always be there for me and that basically makes everything seem less nasty.

stupid cupid

2006-08-03T22:25:00.000+08:00

cupid went on a wildfire,
a crazy rampage.

missing its marked targets and shooting those who do not wish to be shot.

it's stormy in here

2006-08-02T22:41:00.000+08:00

just got home from dinner at cafe cartel.

shall make my wishes just before the day ends.
and thank you all who remembered and bothered. it really matters a lot to me.
esp. to nic and jl who had to take all my crap. and mich, for her shoulder for my irrational outburst which was really uncalled for esp. when i was in full view of many people.

i'm happy. i swear.

2006-07-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

everytime i see you, the words come to into my head, but i can never bring them any further. it's an apology left unspoken. (for almost 2 years now)

been suffering from a bad spate of headaches. it hits me every alternate day and leaves me immobile and slumberous. even falling asleep is a problem. maybe like what claudine said, it's the stress. however, come to think of it, i havent been doing much studying to actually be stressed. oh brother.

comfy red plush couch

2006-07-27T16:04:00.000+08:00

had lunch at Asian Kitchen at Raffles Place yesterday. just the two of us. it was sort of for my birthday and it was lovely. (:

i dreamt that i died.

Carnival came by my town today
bright lights from giant wheels
fall on the alleyways
and I'm here
by my door

these foolish things

2006-07-25T20:17:00.000+08:00

des tried to kidnap a bunny, mich gave us medieval names, vic is all dreamy and me, i'm just
obstinately cynical

A cigarette that bares a lipstick's traces
An airline ticket to romantic places

A tinkling piano in the next apartment
Those stumblin'words

A fair ground painted swings

The winds of march that made my heart a dancer
A telephone that rings but who's to answer
Oh, how the ghost of you clings

darts of pleasure

2006-07-22T11:44:00.000+08:00

yesterday i received a call from a dude of Fitness First. apparently Andrew signed up and left my name and number with them. he probably thinks i need the exercise.

and i guess it really was christabel and pple walking in front of me that day, meeting pple (one of which i think i saw is sam) at the kaya toast place at harbourfront. how fortunate, to be able to enjoy themselves while it's time for us to start doing some real studying.

----
that peck on the check, so sweet, so swift, and so suspicious.
i lost it right there

You are the villain who sends a
Line of dark fantastic passion

bel : i cant wait either!

2006-07-20T20:35:00.000+08:00

been feeling the stress, but not exactly doing much about it. i really should be. the block tests 2 results were not a good sign.

vicki's taking driving lessons and kenny's already gotten his license. that's really cool. if only i dont get car sick so easily. ha. how retarded that sounds. and it's probably right. even if i do get a car, being the blur shit i am, i'm likely to forget where i parked it. i could end up drawing a map or writing notes. but when i'm old, i hope there will be someone who would pore over that map with me. it would be good if he had a better sense of direction too.

seems like there was really someone who "shone" through the crowd. however, she was nothing like what i had in mind.

time to hit the books.

2006-07-19T21:02:00.000+08:00

Our hands lay useless in our laps
Like beetles on their backs

2006-07-17T20:19:00.000+08:00

someone lost a kite to the wind.

loved.

2006-07-14T22:02:00.000+08:00

i dont know to describe it as an ordeal or a test of endurance. i guess they both hold vaguely similar meanings.

there was a crackdown on the patients of the clinic located at the void deck of my block. the police came and the men ran all over, into the salon and other places. at least it's good to know that there's something there if i ever need it.

we watched Pirates Of the Caribbean : Dead Man's Chest. i gave it much credit more due to the cast than to the storyline. this follow up to Black Pearl was a little too gory or monstrous that i think kids will suffer from nightmares. it was indeed a little disturbing that young kids would be allowed to watch it when we ourselves were dismayed at some of the images.

we explored central Singapore - venturing into the Armenian Church and walked through the alleys surrounding the now defunct Capitol Theatre. it was delightful. the sacred and beautiful and the forgotten.

i feel loved.

today, i met yl for dinner. then, i was brought to see someone. he talked on and on. i developed violent tendencies. in my subconscious and barely awake mind, i imagined shoving the marker he was holding up his nose. i fought back with words. i wanted to get out. but i was too exhausted. the flu took a toll on me. i wanted to just lie on the table. in the end, i tried to be polite and stayed til the end. i wanted to exit gracefully.

thanks des, for the the flu pill and the dude who gave it to u.

2006-07-10T18:29:00.000+08:00

you made my day.
that is exactly what i need on this cold and wet day.

her shadow filled up the room

2006-07-09T21:41:00.000+08:00

those 5minutes were one of the most excruciating ones i've ever had.
she had never incited such fear in me. i had always passed her without prompting any attempt from her to scream at me. but that day she did. not only that, she tracked us to the washroom. where i thought i was safe. her menacing figure blocking the exit, as she stared at both of us.

you dont know how lovely you are.

2006-07-08T20:14:00.000+08:00

went over to alicia's where we had lots of junk food and watched nonsensical videos.
i finally watched the Korean "Everybody has Secrets" which is a remake of a pretty obscure English movie "About Adam". and we watched goofy, senseless and tit bopping French Maid videos and other stuff. on Youtube and Podcast.

this week, i spent every alternate day in town, spending every last cent that i had.

Pete is love.

2006-07-04T19:45:00.000+08:00

happy birthday dear! i hope u had a great birthday. and that u like the biggest cookie i've ever baked. i managed to take a picture of it before it was broken into pieces. LOVE!

we were having this mini debate on whether Ben Gibbard is one of those emo guys. obviously, me and des protested that he wasnt. after i sent des "You Remind Me of Home", she has fallen in love with him as much as i have. but vic insisted that he is. arghh. due to his "emo" voice. according to her, Pete Yorn isnt. (thank god) i love that man too. and i dont think Ben Lee is too. according to me. but his songs are kinda emotive though. but well, which arent? and what about one of the more overplayed emo artist, James Blunt. oh dear, his songs just make us want to break down and sob when they were played in the shops. that's why i deleted them off my computer. or have i?

and seriously, who cares if they're indie or not.

falling through a black box

2006-07-03T12:09:00.000+08:00

i had a myriad of dreams last night. it wasnt just a few simple dreams, the usual dreams that seem so real. these were just totally unrelated and perplexing.

there was something about New Year and a new house and an old friend coming to visit on a bike, then something about playing in a basketball match(that's is seriously disturbing), and the most vivid of all,
dreaming of trying to make him stay. what i never did when i could. but in the dream, it didnt work, no matter how hard i tried. there was someone else calling him.
i awoke with tears in my eyes. i dont know whether to hope if it reflects reality. but i really dont wish to care.

misguided fool

2006-07-01T12:42:00.000+08:00

i dont know whether to scoff at you or to just simply laugh. but i'm glad to have found someone who is more pathetic than i was. may you snap out of it soon or drown in your wishful hoping/ hopeful wishes.

i think i'm too protective of my friends. maybe one day i'll get into one of those ah lian staring incidents and get into a cat fight with them. haa. mich says i ought to control myself. well, i wish i could. i should start trying.

yesterday was just chill out and it was nice, except for the part when we stood along the road, talking and singing while desperately screaming for a cab. i loved the part with the meatballs.

what the hell. 7 weeks to PRELIMS?! fuck.

anita : look, the comments thingy is for you! since the board doesnt load for you all the time.
alicia : yah yah. you're always complaining of having loads of pictures of my hand which covers my face when you try to take a picture. not anymore yea.
des : love u dear.
jl & nic : we need to meet up soon.

when u stood there, indifferent to my tears.

2006-06-28T17:11:00.000+08:00

i definitely didnt know that Hugh Jackman sings too! beside acting. and he sang at Nicole Kidman's wedding. awww..

anyway, the picture at the top of the page was taken when i was walking to the bus stop. there was just something very arresting about the way the little girl was standing so motionlessly, without her shoes and any notice of anyone. it was as though everything around her was at a standstill.

you know it's screwed when u get 2 choices and you cant choose between the both because you know that either way, you are going to get stuck. and you do. at the last 15minutes when everyone around you is scribbling away, u have one full essay to go and you dont know where to start.

2006-06-27T13:40:00.000+08:00

new version that i uncovered of The Smiths' There's a Light That Never Goes Out, by Neil Finn. sounds more like the original than the Lucksmiths'. what morbid romanticism. i cant agree more.

and i was just wondering about Camera Obscura's Let's Get Out Of the Country. there's one part about it that sounds vaguely like Billy Jo's We Didnt Start The Fire. yes, that song about the "fire" in history. (At the beginning of the last decade of this century, the so-called Generation X had been dealing with the consequences of situations not of their own creation. These 25 to 40 year olds had been receiving fire from both their children and the baby boomers for their supposed initiation of the problems that began as mere headlines in the news but had now become serious social issues. As a prominent member of this antagonized generation singer and songwriter, Billy Joel, expressed his disgust at these unfair accusations in the song "We Didn't Start the Fire." Through the timeline of events laid out in the lyrics, Billy Joel reminds his generation that the burden of societies' ills are not solely on theirshoulders. As he precedes through the song, he points out key social issues that made an impacted not only his life, but all of American society beginning with events in early 1949 and leading up to the end of the 1980s.)

interesting yea?

and oh boy. i butchered myself by choosing a question for GP that i only have one point for. and now, i'm supposed to be studying for Econs. but i really dont feel like doing so.

this picture was taken sneakily behind my back. haa. but it's my favourite picture. cause u cant see my face and the sky was beautiful that day.

in my dream, there was volka flowing down from the summer sky

2006-06-24T11:59:00.000+08:00

i know i'm not supposed to be typing this, not supposed to be sitting in front of the computer, not supposed to be failing this exam again. BUT WHAT THE HELL. i know i am going to. again.

what happened to the lesson learnt after failing badly for Block Test1. apparently, i'm the sort who forget failures and never learn my lessons. there's so much to do and so much stuff i'm missing. all thanks to my usual day insufficient preparation for assignments and procrastination.

why do i feel permanently carsick? my ass hurts, my head is spinning and i want to throw up.

when u whispered "i love you" so sweetly in my ear

2006-06-21T21:51:00.000+08:00

a hot bath and lots of chocolate sure did wonders for my f-ing cold & runny nose. (i'm not so sure about the chocolate bit actually, i'm just giving myself an excuse to continue eating)

i am currently riding a grotesque roller coaster ride (mentally), flailing my stubby arms frantically around the air and screaming every bit of air out of my lungs!
i'm nowhere near being prepared for THE BLOCK TESTS!
i've been alternating between playing the Gameboy, watching Joey, That 70s Show, cartoons, eating, singing along with Ben Gibbard and of course trying to look at my notes. And also feeling tired from those weird dreams where i run miles and miles, endlessly, looking for something.

ps. Rosie Thomas and Sufjan Stevens are dating. two great voices.

thanks bel. but i'm still worried!

for a girl who told her friends you're weird? is this really worth it?

under your skin feels like home

2006-06-17T20:07:00.000+08:00

thurs was spent with a small part of ao5 at Sentosa. it was a lovely day with lovely weather for the Sun and the sea. we had the entire day to each other and it couldnt have been better. just like those days, fifi serenaded me, but this time with his guitar too. haa. and as usual, the day ended off with satay at Makansutra at Esplanade where i waded rather ungracefully to in shorts and slippers.

met up with the pple from 6A and 6B of Rmps on fri evening for dinner at Secret Recipe at Marina. havent seen most of them for ages, some for more than 5years. boy, that's long yea. it was fun, catching up with each other, hearing about old skeletons in the closet which i have no recollections of. except my little crush. and it was interesting to see Malbindar with his dreadlocks. he once looked like Mr Bean. now, i'm not too sure myself. i certainly wouldnt have recognised him even if i did run into him the past 5yrs. never really expected someone from pri sch would change that much.

up at the roof terrace at Esplanade (again), David tried to find out who is that mysterious man who was with me, watching Wallace & Gromit on New Year's Eve and so was Shirin, who apparently saw the same man with me on the bus. . Irvin's mind is pretty much still stagnanted at primary 6 while Allister still has his charm in school. Kingyum pointed out how i look so different now (in a good way i hope). he was trying to recall when was it that we sat next to each other and that i gave him a souvenir when i came back from Thailand back then. it was such a long time ago that i cant recall either. Sebas and i were talking about prom and school and maybe it isnt such a good thing to bring up.

we wanted to do some late night chatting at some 24hrs place but we didnt to postpone it to the next time we meet.
the gathering was undeniably a little weird but i guess it was good to see them again so i would be able to recognise them even if i do bump into them.

nic : i'm stumped. perfect lover yea? i'm not too sure myself. i guess i'll talk about it when i figure it out. i wish love could be so easily defined.
alicia : i'm so glad to see u guys. love u dear. girls day out sometime after my exams. (:

Every scream went bleeding through these paper walls
And all the make up in the world couldn't hide the scars
I leave today
I'm packin light, a suitcase and toiletries
The rolling hills and willow trees
Of Carolina wait for me
- by Benjamin Gibbard, the man i want to plant many kisses on.

Suddenly I See

2006-06-13T16:05:00.000+08:00

just got back. the train ride was an interesting experience, especially the one at night where we slept overhead and awoke when the Sun rose on the other side. i thought about Des's idea of travelling to Russia by train and wondered what it would be like - moving along as vagabonds, living in dingy, quaint little inns. i guess it's worth a try. maybe some day when i gather the courage to leave, just like Jieyao did. i envy him and his pictures of Rome, Paris and everything beautiful.

Despite of that all, the worst part about this trip is the fact that i couldnt understand 3 quarters of what was said because they spoke in mostly Cantonese and the realization that it's the third week of the holidays already and i barely did any work! shit.

take a trip to my yard
don't you know the grass is greener on the other side?
take a trip to my yard
don't you know the love that you've been dreaming of is mine?
- jamie cullum

the sweetness of love

2006-06-06T19:57:00.000+08:00

yay!
thanks to my good fortune, a special someone to going to bring me to see JAMIE CULLUM!

tuesday started off with X-Men : The Last Stand - i was totally having inconceivable, unhealthy thoughts about the sexy Hugh Jackman although he's a little too hairy here and i prefer him in Kate & Leopold and Someone Like You(also known as Animal Attraction/Animal Husbandry). in Xmen3, i would have prefered if they developed the characters more instead of giving them fleeting screen time.

then to Cafe Cartel for lunch where we could have stayed the whole afternoon just chatting.

shopping was fun, although not very fruitful.

random pictures i stole off lyn's blog. memories of all the great times we had last year.

i was caught off guard here(in the last pic). i cant even rmb who was the photographer. and there's the silly guowei behind me

and i ought to be less of a blur shit and be more careful with my phone.

the pleasure, the privilege is mine

2006-06-03T22:48:00.000+08:00

i trust my own judgement. if you have been someone who has been there for me when i needed you, have never let me down, i dont care what they've heard or what they've heard from people who have heard. you are a friend and a good one too.

been listening to The Lucksmiths' There Is A Light That Never Goes Out. the original's by The Smiths so this is just a cover version. but anyhow, they're both great music. the lucksmiths effectively mask these heartbreaking lyrics with their cheerful tune and make this song just too perfect. (to my ears that is)

And if a double decker bus crashes into us
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care
And in a darkened under-pass
I thought, oh God, my chance has come at last
But then a strange fear gripped me, and I just couldn't ask

when old songs are rampant and excruciating to the ears (they used to play in those adolescent years when hopes were high and so was love)
i thought i've gotten past it all but why do i still have those screwed up dreams?

dancing when the stars go blue

2006-06-01T20:31:00.000+08:00

the first week of the hols is almost OVER. there seems to be so much to do but so little time.

i'm feeling guilty for lying to him.. but i really dont need any more complications.

camp was pretty fun actually. there are really a lot of interesting personalities but i shant go into that.

2am : we walked into the Innovation Centre and simon was playing DJ on the electronic keyboard! it was HILARIOUS.
2+ am : 40-year-old Virgin
4+am : Wedding Crashers
i fell asleep halfway through the second disc of Wedding Crashers. making myself comfortable sprawled on 2 chairs and keeping warm with my Powerpuff towel.
got up early when it was time for morning PT.
Simon was amusing all the girls on the 2nd day. he was cranky (in a good way) and started bouncing ard and doing everything that had to be done. his crazy ramblings got us into laughing fits. during breakfast, he went on abt soya bean & hormones.. and
simon : who wants the yu yuan (fishballs) in the noodles?
me : ME!
simon : cannot. you had one already. who havent eat yet?
no takers.
simon : ok. jiemin shall have the yu yuan. she yuan yuan de ( she round round one)
idiot!

so the camp was full of movies, junk food, talks, me & ju going gaga over some boy close by, a little star gazing on the track, attempts to scare the j1s, the rat and
the best part of the camp was the j2s who were there.

got home and slept from 5pm to 9am. skipping lunch and dinner. it was 2 days 1 night and i was exhausted. i wonder how i survived the 4days 3nights camp back then. not forgetting that chenwee abandoned me, leaving me in charge. guess i'm old already.

do listen to Benjamin Gibbard (lead of Death Cab For Cutie) - You remind me of Home
a very simple but beautiful song with Ben's soulful voice ad heartwrenching words

sweet love thing.

2006-05-28T01:09:00.000+08:00

had one of the most frightening of all frightening experiences with perverts. this man sat next to me on the bus, and stared over incessantly(in a very disturbing manner). i tried to protect myself with toni morrison's paradise but it was a stupid attempt. i attempted to stay calm and continue reading. but i was Freaked. almost had an anxiety attack. thank god Sebas who was coincidentally on the bus too rescued me. he peered over and said that he was getting worried and asked if i was okay. that man tried to explain that he was coughing continuously (and revoltingly) cause of smoking. i suppose he thought sebas was worried abt his coughing. i got away. according to him, the man looked like a druggie. and he was so nice as to offer to send me home although he stays quite a few bus stops away. (:

i need to drive on,
speed past that same highway
without looking back at you,
without wanting to
kiss those lips

stop the tears before they threaten to fall.

of course i can. i did.

lets get out of this country

so, i shared my current fav song with ray. you're missing out on good stuff if you havent heard Tiny Dancer, whichever cover.

met C after his tuition and he had lunch at Billy Bombers while i had a tall glass of Pink Pussy Cat which left me burping quite a bit. thereafter we went to pick xuan up from the MRT station cause as usual, the rest were late. the night went fine i guess except that i couldnt see hugh jackman or iceman in action due to our lack of foresight to get tickets early and interrogation by steph. haa. i'm glad things are better for her now.

met Jo and the rest at Wisma today and we took a long walk all the way to suntec. it was fun. pausing for food and photographs.

i suppose i Am intrigued by him.

lover i dont have to love

2006-05-27T12:17:00.000+08:00

everyone knows what's going on on tues. an underaged party. a social event. which the j1s have been fondly flaunting their invitations by fellow under18s in the caf.
but isnt the thrill and exhilaration of it all being "breaking the rules"?
ok. shall stop speaking in case i get smacked.

i saw DS- kid's KINKY UNDIES! the worst terror of all terror! haa.

met chenwee who came to SA. was glad to see such a familiar face i want to tease.

had Pract Crit test which i'm going to fail. Lester was looking ard looking so vulnerable. Phototaking for yearbook which means that JC life is coming to an end (which i'm extremely grateful for) but it also means that the As are coming..
i guess the best thing abt this year has been the meeting of my 3 sweetest, loveliest girlfriends. the people i want to spend the rest of my life with. although i may not be just like them (intelligent and beautiful), i'm glad i have them in my life.

he came up in our conversations again and hell, what a dream.

my eyes hurt and i know why

2006-05-24T20:09:00.000+08:00

our first goodbye without a long embrace

in other words

a secret agreement made under the sheets

2006-05-22T20:33:00.000+08:00

trust the school to add in god's blessings in vicki's article. for goodness sake, since u have given these great writers the task of covering these issues, i think the school should be given their accurate and precise words unless it's grammatical or any mistakes that they ought not to make. not attributing the achievements to god is not a mistake.

fri, conveniently missed school, choosing breakfast at burger king over being detained in that place.
Sun, went for a jog with leong again. this time i felt weaker than usual. maybe it's because i havent been exercising much.
we made the playground our destination and made a detour at Safra. sat on the swings (this time they had 2 instead of one) and talked. about the future, i spoke of having a small and peaceful flat for myself with a dog for company (i'll need someone to watch over me dont i).
and he was apparently very astonished "what? you're actually intending to live alone? a bachelorette pad?"
me : "why do you sound so surprised?"
haa. and he spoke fondly of his plans which was a complete opposite from mine. his was the conventional, the one that i would have hoped for but maybe not now. i certainly hope to see him happy.

what happened to the future we spoke so fondly of?

oh boy, it suddenly dawned upon me that i have a grossly overdue GP essay which i havent exactly started on and Pract Crit block test on WEd.

is it a joke? i'm not laughing

2006-05-20T11:56:00.000+08:00

life is about putting up a show.
if you are a good actor, you can be anything you want to be.

did you hear the one about
the one who fell from space
one minute in the stars
the next minute lying on their face?
- eddi reader

so much for love

2006-05-18T19:38:00.000+08:00

maybe we were at the wrong place at the wrong time

the hockey boys put up such a good fight you wouldnt believe was possible.

when i put my thoughts into words, the emotions feel so real
the past seem so surreal.

i saw the picture. when you waited at the red station, with the sound of the train behind you, with a bottle and a bar of chocolate in your hand as i ran across the road in the rain

mazzy star - give u some lovin'

2006-05-17T21:10:00.000+08:00

i've been dismissive, apathetic and uninvolved of late. nothing seems to be of much importance. i havent been thinking much about what is said or given, not giving much thought before saying something. i guess much to the extent of being insensitive and straightforward or even blunt or even bitchy. but well, i cant explain it either.

school's being driving me crazy. just school, without the assignments, tests, nutty rules and regulations is enough to make me feel really worn out.

havent been sleeping well. not at all. been dreaming, not of him but of things that i associate with him. it's pretty screwed up. especially the after-dream.

vic is right. we need to learn to love ourselves and what's the best way to learn than to put it into practice. i'm still learning, to insulate myself from things that hurt, to protect myself from what's unnecessary and redundant, from what causes more pain than bliss. all those walking away that they have done and all those mistakes i've foolishly believed was meant to be made are just painful lessons that i have to take away, bury and keep forgotten.

we weighed out the pros and cons and well, there's more cons. so, the current situation is good. it's appropriate. it's lovely.

old dreams should be forgotten

2006-05-14T12:23:00.000+08:00

old dreams should be forgotten.

i caught the patriot yesterday night and cried everytime someone with a name died. i watched as heath ledger avenged the woman he loves and died due to his rashness. and i cried.

steph called, but i didnt want to go.

met vic and mich on friday for some shopping before rushing down to bugis for dinner with mum, sis and bro.

craig david's Don't Love You No More seems just like a prophecy now, like a premonition.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Do you believe in fate?
I believe the good things
Only come to those who wait
We've got to plan the journey
Eliminate all mistakes
Take the safe route
It's called the art of driving

Maybe wait until the summertime
Maybe wait until December
Because a heartfelt seduction
Lasts a life time
- the art of driving

start as you mean to go

2006-05-12T22:42:00.000+08:00

i can love you over and over again.

the halo benders

2006-05-10T20:56:00.000+08:00

i decided to spend my time doing something constructive and that was making myself comfortable at starbucks with a cup of caramel frap and an extract from As You Like It. the assignment, to do a critical appreciation of the passage. well, that cant be that difficult i suppose. during the span of about 3hours, i wrote 2pages of words with numerous cancellations and blanks cause i just couldnt get the right word to describe the 2 lovers. and, i acquainted myself with the store manager of starbucks who noticed my mind boggling attempt at writing an essay and decided to come over to say hi and say a few encouraging words. i see it as a really nice gesture. (:

as you like it

2006-05-09T21:23:00.000+08:00

love is a choice, never an obligation, never a well-trodden path, cause everyday signifies something new. i believe in fate. that sounds cliched but that's just me.

Love is merely a madness, and, i tell you, deserves as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: and the reason why they are not so punished and cured is, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers are in love too.
- As You Like It

something vague

2006-05-06T21:26:00.000+08:00

yup anoymous, that is from the mexican. been watching quite a bit of tv every weekend.

havent been doing what i've planned to. although i really should be, to prevent my nightmare from coming true. thus, i shall start soon, after i get offline that is.

went grocery shopping with my mum in the afternoon, it was fun debating what food to buy. i realised i really do take after my mum. she walks in rounds and rounds around the supermarket, unable to decide what she wants to get.

we were talking about bitching in front of boyfriends about random strangers around us. i cant remember if i talked about how gay anybody look or how weird they were dressed. when you're with the one you do love, i guess nobody else around you matters.

the past, yes, a subject i broach all the time. i recall how silly it was, that i didnt want to see his collegues/friends cause i had a zit on my face. not forgetting how i refused to let him touch me cause i was having my PMS. but of course, i didnt tell him all that. how nonsensical i do sound now.

i have very bad sentence structure. but that aside, i shall bury the past, just like how he does it.

barenaked ladies

2006-05-04T19:35:00.000+08:00

Here comes my baby, here she comes now
  - cat stevens

random thoughts :

i hate travelators (esp. those that go downward. they make me feel like i'm falling)
i like small kids
i dont believe in conformity
i laugh at gay blogs
the Singapore Prime Minister earns US$1 million a year!
i cut my hair. myself. when i'm unhappy
i think my eyes are too far away from my mouth
i am going to donate my organs when i die. i hope they dont realise that they're stunted or something
i hate it when others try to impose their mindsets/views on me
i hate ah bengs

well, i was disturbed by a bunch of ah bengs on my way home. annoying shitheads.

i feel tired. from the lack of sleep but still, i refuse to give myself that bit of time, tossing and turning in bed til i fall asleep, afraid of the thoughts that surround me. so, i wait til i'm really tired before retreating for the day.
not only that. but i've been rather critical, asocial and overly sensitive. i get mad so easily and i avoid interacting with people. i need some change and the chiding from a particular history teacher and the horribly done history test definitely doesnt help.
we got back our journals today. this is what my civics tutor wrote "you are someone with a lot of promise... sometimes setbacks do get you down, but dont let them beat you- you are bigger than that" and "stay positive, like attracts likes, and you are such a sweet and sensible person." that just makes me sound so harmless and insipid. but she's been really encouraging recently and i really appreciate that. and i know everything will work out.

you're pretty good looking for a girl

2006-05-03T17:34:00.000+08:00

had a great time with alicia on monday. what's new. that girl just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. LOVE! (:

random thoughts :

my hair smells like mentos
i want to go to Rome and/or Paris
i love milk chocolate digestives from Marks and Spencer
procrastination is like masturbation. feels good for awhile, and then u realise you're fucking yourself (quoted from a seemingly innocuous man)
not all men are bastards
i love rosie thomas
i love hula hoops
he's being nice (he's here to break my heart again)
i'm PMS-Y before and during my period
the exterior of my flat is painted in the colour "bone"
i love to bake
i love sunflowers
i'm almost overweight
i get carsick all the time
if you love someone, you love his imperfections as well
the moles on my back are shaped like the letter 'S'
i used to hate taking photographs
i dont believe in wishing on fallen eyelashes
i burp easily
Leos are astrologically compatible with Aries

Proud and regal, fiery and determined, the subjects of this cat sign are always a bit larger than life. Leos love to be noticed, admired, and adored. Leos are loyal, likable, and often quite lovely people, but they can also be self-indulgent, stubborn, and prone to sulking if they don't get their own way.They are warm, demonstrative, and theatrical and love pageantry, blitz and glamour. When Leos commit themselves to something they go with it for life. Leos are honest in love life. Leos when loved and respected have hearts of gold. But when not loved or when they are not reciprocated they become depressed, self-pitying and self-destructive.
In the lion's den the impetuous Aries lover will find a welcome home. Their sex life could be legendary and infidelity kept to a minimum, or eliminated all together. This is because they will probably find what they want from each other, and not have a physical compulsion to stray. Leo admires the aggressive tendencies of fiery contemporaries. This is exactly what Ariens are, making this an ideal union.
These well-matched partners get along marvelously in the bedroom. They're an unbeatable combination for deriving sheer joy and excitement from sex. They also share the same likes and dislikes in other areas of life. However, they need all that rapport to overcome one big problem-the head-on collision of two super egos, each of whom wants to play the leading role. They have to learn to share center stage. Otherwise, a glorious mating.
This is a truly glorious match. Aries the Ram and Leo the Lion, both Fire Signs, are the blazing superstars of the zodiac. Leo is ruled by the Sun, while the Ram is the Day Star's exaltation. Full of life and love, the lure of adventure pulls you together in a marvellously joyous dance, the affirmation of life itself. It's an unbeatable combination for sheer joy and excitement.
more

If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Never.

i want to fall from the stars, straight into your arms

2006-04-30T19:09:00.000+08:00

someone asked if i still think of my first love. i dont think i do actually. it sounds nonchalant and full of indifference, but that's the way it is i guess. it was indeed as silly as it sounds. i cant deny how immature it was and how i was simply too flushed with the idea of love to think about what it really means. anyway, it was a lesson i had to learn

we had one of those nonsense-filled, private parties at the LT again.
vic tried to sing me a LOVE SONG!
it goes, this song is dedicated to jiemin.
vic (*sings in chinese) : i love you
i really love you.
i absolutely love you.
isnt she such a darling. seeing that she's so much more inclined in english, those 3 lines were more than enough. (:

stayed home today to a tantalizing homemade gourmet feast. we had handmade noodles for breakfast, afterwhich, we made white choc cheesecake, cookies with rasberry jam, choc chip banana muffins and banana butter cake. i couldnt help but pop a little of each into my salivating mouth. simply yummy. (:
sometimes it's good to stay home.

i quarelled with him that day and our movie date was cancelled. we both dont see ourselves at fault and i guess that's always the problem. nobody wants to give in.

i didnt expect him to sms me when he could since i thought they werent supposed to use their phones while defending the nation. haa.

des & vic : yes! sch sucks. we sounds like angsty kids but it does! arghhh. HATE SCHOOL! and well, thanks for your perverted minds to keep me alive in that shithole.
glenn : havent seen u in such a long time! missed you at the last outing.
alicia : thanks dear. and i need more shopping with you darling.
bel : i know u're nearby. but where?! haa. gotta crash there someday k. (:

love nothing

2006-04-27T20:26:00.000+08:00

i swear the rainbow this morning was a facade of hope.
i was glad it rained although we almost got stranded at the most remotely remote potong pasir mrt. but that would have prevented the happening of so much bullshit. i spotted the rainbow in the sky, as though it was a backdrop to the school, hinting of some hope. (what an irony). i saw it as a sign, but it turned out to be a completely foolish idea.

you cant imagine how much crap we're getting. and the worst of all, we're paying them to get all the bullshit.

i'm tired. not only that, i feel crappy, peevish and annoyed with every single thing that has happened. i lied to Zh when i said, "nah, i'm just tired." maybe tiredness is just the prologue to everything else.

this was in my head when i was running :

"everything is as its always been, this never happened, 
don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did. 
just once something dies, you can't make it live.

i had thought they were some oldie band when i first heard vic talk about them.

honestly, i wldnt be going to school if not for vic, des and mich.
and i should be studying for econs now. if only i know where to start.

on the bright side,

i love my class. especially daiwei and jeremy for their company today and the rest for all their support. (:

jer asked if i wld marry him. how totally adorable. (:

carousal and carousels

2006-04-25T18:25:00.000+08:00

i went hysterical momentarily yesterday. i swore and screamed at everything, then i broke down and cried. right there, at potong pasir mrt.
i must have seemed extremely insane in the eyes of my fellow saints.

things havent been good.
according to Zh, i slashed out at him. well, maybe i did.
mich hugged me and Dm tried to cheer me up. and i did feel better, after caramel coffee at starbucks, although i snapped at the guy who served me cause he gave me whipped cream when i had specifically asked for none.

he called when i was attempting econs essay outlines and i unloaded on him instead, ignoring the debate on trade versus protectionism. he thought not seeing me for 2 days is a very long time. and well, i chose protectionism.

we played "shoot, shag & marry" countless times. it's utterly amusing. most times, we chose the same options for each category. we even picked females.

we joked about the alliteration in "Bomb in a Bible" and "Fast Frozen Food" on the way back to school, in the rain. it's was questionable why we braved the rain to go back to that place for that man but maybe we just wanted to prove that we were making an effort.

carousal & carousel, both's intoxicating, just differently. one with alcohol and the other with speed.

romantic atheism

2006-04-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

we never believe that this miracle can happen to us twice.

i have 2 essays to finish and a test to study for. but, Whatever.

why is it that men can practise polygamy, be in multiple affairs but they cant accept women doing the same? why is it that you can be thinking of someone else when you claim to be in love? that's the same idea right?

it was 3months of mistakes. i did the stupidest things i never thought i would do. it's too late to take them back but i'm sure it wont happen again.
indeed, you feel differently with different people, that's why you feel this way for the first time. cause it was a completely different emotion previously and this obviously feels better than the last. it's something you've longed for for ever since i've known you and maybe that's why it feels different.

i was deluded, you're deluded, everyone's deluded.

went for a morning jog and had a hearty breakfast.

wed - met xuan to get yan's present. wanted to get some rest at home cause of that headache but sat in the comfort of coffee bean instead, sipping vanilla coffee with delightful sprinkles of chocolate, as though preparing myself for some sort of unfamiliar discomfort.
it was great catching up with xuan after SO LONG! the long bus rides back home from town when we would just chat about everything and anything. that silly girl stuffed me with food again and frivolous shopping as we bought matching undies and she got me famous amos cookies.

thurs - got home for a quick bath and rushed off to collect some stuff before heading for sentosa. the 3 of us plus xuan's bf had a great time just chatting and laughing at the top of our voices off sunset bay. we amused anita with stories of how we terrorized teachers, talked abt sagging (papaya) boobs, hid in the toilet during chinese lessons sitting on the sink and watering plants, how i was always at the mercy of balls during PE and loads more. i do miss secondary school.

fri - skipped sch and was supposed to meet the girls in town but well.. anyw, met Zr.

it was a busy week, with nights ending late, with no intoxication and no more lies.

i realised my Clinique mascara is not completely waterproof as i saw a panda staring back at me when i looked into the mirror. time for more shopping after this (another) hectic week i guess. with project after project, things which have nothing to do with economics, literature, history or general paper. just more time spent not studying, scouting all over for people and items.

i'm waiting for that someone to tell me that it will happen again, that someone who will hold me in his arms when my eyes are swelled up and i look like a puffer fish and tell me that it's not the end.

that's why we cling on so desperately, afraid to be hurt again.

love is the only proof that the ugly cld be beautiful

2006-04-21T10:43:00.000+08:00

the mascara ran as the tears fell

you deserve better,
so much better than a girl who breaks your heart incessantly. 

At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

From where I'm sitting, rain
Falling against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
I just thought I'd let you know goodbye

Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

2006-04-17T19:28:00.000+08:00

he brought me a pink towel. i went jogging ytd with leong. (for the first time. yes, me the lazy bum)
and i fell too. it was too dark to see that i was bleeding so i endured and ran to bukit merah interchange. we started at o730 and ended at 10plus. actually the running only took half an hour. we spent the other half at MACs cleaning my knee, one hour to walk back and one hour at the playground just catching up.

just came back from a tedious trip to the children's home at seragoon. it's only monday but i'm tired already, which is not a good sign.

a beer can in one hand

2006-04-16T11:37:00.000+08:00

hey darling desiree.
i hope u're feeling better, although i know that's not easy.

--------------
i guess both of us are guilty, of losing them due to our faults. and i guess it's too late to make amendments. we both thought they were the ones for us and i suppose that's the reason why we overreacted. we didnt try to make them stay when they wanted to leave. but we wanted them to come back when they did. we wanted to try to make things right. and although it's hard for us to get on with our lives but i believe we can.

caught pay it forward again. started sobbing uncontrollably. how would we know when to say goodbye and how do we do it when the time comes? anyway, i was so enchanted with Haley Joel Osment's blue eyes and his boyish looks although he's in fact the same age as me. haha.
-

love. to all those who have to say goodbye.

all the pale grey stars shine through you..

2006-04-15T15:14:00.000+08:00

i was stranded again last night. i missed the last train and then the last bus too. thought i was lucky to be able to catch 143. but never did i think the service ends 7 stops after the bus interchange. so it left me standing alone at some place i've never been to. all the bus stop and signs said was "ayer rajah". my wallet was empty, so i cldnt cab. i almost felt like walking home.

it's been such a hectic week. i'm trying to prioritize and do everything, if only he would stay out of my mind. we're the multi-tasking generation but still, i do not want to think about what's not going to get me anywhere.

i'm dying to send you a rose.

how can we stop living in the past when it haunts us all the time? i wish there were some things i did and some things i didnt do. maybe then it wont remind me all the time now and less tears would have been shed.

all the pale grey stars shine through you..

The strangest twist upon your lips

2006-04-14T12:32:00.000+08:00

it's fucked. PW's fucking pissing me off although it's over. the results were out ytd.

spent the night at joe's. we fell asleep on the couch in the early morning.
it was nice. forgetting everything, school, results and all the fucked up issues.
just got home for mum's nasi lemak.

be off for a nap before leaving for char's.

alicia : i love u so so much too! so sorry i cant make it earlier today.

vic : i love you too. no matter what your name may be. (:

bel : yup. love the view. u guys cld come over one day! love. (:

lester : i'm angry!

jl : i miss u. meet up soon k. study or sth. (:

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

u left me on the sunny road

2006-04-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

is there really a void in our lives that we fill up with shopping and good food? i really dont know. but apparently, our actions have proven that.

we have icecream when we're sad. we go shopping when we want to get away from everything else. we make lists to occupy ourselves, to have something to look forward to.

we made lists of russian names, porn star names, cheena english names etc etc and even communist names for all 4 of us. it was hilarious. we made a list of places we want to go, restaurants we wish to visit and many more. it made us happy and that is all that matters.

we ran out of school today. out the gate when the guard left and across the bridge. we screamed " FREE! FREE! FREE!" when we got out.

talked to D. the last time we had a proper conversation was last year and well, we were still feeling the effects of the past. and he messaged me on new year's day to apologize but i didnt know how to respond, so i didnt.

D : just want to know what have u been doing. its been a very long time since we last spoke
me : well, i dont know where to start
D : just start from anywhere u want.i will listen

we talked abt sch, him going for NS.

D : wld he come back?
D : did u try to stop him from leaving?
D : try to make him come back when he left?

he apologised again for what happened in the past. and i told him to not talk abt it. it doesnt hurt anymore and i'm glad it's over. i was too easily taken in and it was a lesson that i'll never forget. it cost me too much.

2006-04-09T19:58:00.000+08:00

the view from home.

the sunset over the sea.

sentosa, across the horizon

the view from my room

i realise there's a multi storey carpark from all 3 sides.

when i sing i lose myself

2006-04-08T15:50:00.000+08:00

we made another escape from the moronic school that has a 1245 rule and every gate locked. that was my second time this year and this time, it hurt more than the first. i would have skipped school if not for history tutorial and cca.

i was tired and grouchy with aching arms and legs after 2days of PE (i'm really inept when it comes to exercise) and lots of walking. and i had POCKY for lunch which made me really hungry after moving some boxes and running around serving those pple. i was completely drained out at the end of the day. went home and slept at 7 without dinner all the way til morning when i had to get up at 7 for the launch at YMCA.

there was a nagging thought at the back of my head that i'll get a lot of nasty stares in school on monday. but still, i snapped at them. i'm nasty to rude people. we're providing a service here so those people out there better jolly well be more careful with what they say. amidst all the bad attitude we get from these screwed up members of the SA community, there are a few nice ones.. (thank god)
this person even went, "can i give you a kiss?"
i was like "WHAT?!"
very amazing what we can get from saints.

had a very inspirational morning at YMCA. i swear i would be more determined now to do well in everything i set out to do. the speaker jeffrey goh was surprisingly inspirational and encouraging while being completely humorous. and there was eunice olsen and a whole lot of famous people whom i'm supposed to know but dont.

i hate flirtatious men. especially those who flirt with ugly girls.

2006-04-06T16:56:00.000+08:00

technically, i failed all my subjects except for GP, which i passed marginally.

and my PE tcher, mr khoo said i'm FAT.